Well, I am just now crawling out of bed, inspired by a greater understanding of my journey and my life path. My dental trip to Mexico seems so far away. This was a vast teaching on the power of commitment, leaping into faith, and a big payoff on all the work I have done over the last 30 years.
I was greatly weakened by the time I got to Mexico. A dear, dear friend picked me up in Phoenix and drove me to Yuma and stayed with me while I had all my work done. I knew I was going for my life in a big way, and will forever be grateful for the generosity of my friends.
Just a side note, I had been utterly terrified of dentists for years, and I was in the dental chair for 27 hours with just Novocaine and Ibuprofen. I definitely had many moments to face my greatest fears. And I found my forever dentist. One of the moments that nudged me through my fears was the love this young man had when he did his work. I had many abbesses, 5 root canals, a bridge. My thymus bruised, and by the time I returned home, all I could do was rest and sleep. After 6 weeks on antibiotics, I came off and began using my beloved plant medicine, and today, 2 1/12 weeks later I am able to work an energetic 3 hours a day. I am doing lots of visualizations, prayers, and hear my body's signals with greater understanding. I am lucky to be alive.
Right before I left a friend told me of several conversations she had where students asked why my work (so powerful) wasn't it working for me. That was a recurring conversation I had for many years, and it is no longer. I am here because of my work and my commitment to live. Also healing inter generational trauma is hard work.
I returned from Mexico a much gentler task master. I am so excited to share my insights into the consciousness of disease and the magic of facing my greatest fears. Living the power of commitment and healing the good/bad, right/wrong approach to blocks and disease. more tomorrow. Namaste, and for those who supported me in prayers and deeds, I am eternally grateful.
I feel it is so very important to see the big picture or what some of these blocks turn into in the healed state. I have been doing this a long time and originally decided to write this blog to inspire others who have experienced severe lifetimes that all is possible, and with focus and commitment there is a way out, to be free of the confines of the past.
I always felt I would come out the other side vibrant and excited to experience deep intimacy. I was attached to what it looked like and found that to become one of my greatest stumbling blocks. If you open to how society and most religions judges illness , it is quite an eye opener. Think about it. When you get sick what is the first place you go? For me it is what am I doing wrong, or what is wrong with me. Most people I know, including me, immediately go into fix it mode, or find someone else who will fix it. OMG I have almost killed myself with this reaction. After all this time I have come to know my body as an amazing healing machine. If I had just trusted this, I am certain my journey would look very different at this moment.
I had an early diagnosis of a growth on my thyroid. and for the next 20 years my commitment and study has been how to cleanse and heal. I worked with a very famous naturopath early on and with his recommended cleanse I was puking and pooping blood and lived on the floor of my bathroom for the first few days.
No one ever talked to me about the dangers of cleanses done improperly. I flooded my body with these very harsh protocols for years, never once understanding cleansing should be done gently and systematically, starting with the intestines, then kidneys and liver and a lot of rest and nourishment, then go from there.
I also lost my two best friends to cancer during this same time. I watched them go from one protocol to another beginning to see that is the first instinctual reaction with dealing with life threatening disease. I found one protocol and stuck with it for many years and am sure that is a big piece as to why I am alive. If you ever have a life threatening diagnosis, whether it is allopathic or natural, find a protocol from someone who has great results. Your chances for recovery will have the best chance if you pick a way that you believe in. I have friends who have chosen the traditional treatment for cancer. I always supported their choice. I just could not pour more poison into my body, and many doctors would never consider it for themselves. That was a road I could not go down. Trust your choice and go for it. And always look at the consciousness that creates physical challenges.
Because I had a catastrophic trauma with a medical doctor I could not go there.My gut led me in a different direction.
I studied thousands of protocols by some doctors that had a better than 80% cure rate. I learned herbs and how to make medicines. ( I recently had a chance to work with a family who had a brother that refused to have his foot amputated and we did a soak from one of these herbalists. It said his foot would turn pink in 4 days and in 2 his foot which had been black had turned pink, except two toes. Sadly, he said he did not want to get well, and was ready to transition and I left knowing he was journeying down his path. It was extraordinary to witness this amazing capacity of our physical bodies. And the power of consciousness as well. For me life is often a choice and from there I find my way out.
My study of Ho'oponopono and the work of Max Freedom Long has led me to the understanding, by the time something anchors into the physical it has passed the the other subtle bodies and the thought form most likely has been going on for generations.
The women in my family for at least 5 generations all became extremely ill for over 10 years and then either went insane or died. Both me and my sister have had chronic illnesses, intense conditions for over 20 years. Even though we have had little contact over the last 35 years, our conditions have mirrored each other.
One of my teachers said to me once, the first time we met, Jan it is really hard to heal murder and rape. I felt somewhat relieved when he said this as I felt it was really hard to heal, and often did not see a designated path. He also said, as an example if your grandfather cut someone's head off with an ax, that moment will visit you and the next generations unless you heal it. This is what I felt was part of my destiny. I trust that is a big part of my job description. I know not many people have lived through or survived my past, and somehow trust that I chose this path because I could. This truly frees up my heart and energy. I do not feel a victim to circumstances. I have remembered choosing my family, and before I came out of the chute, I remember thinking oops.
After many,many years I am learning faith and trust at the deepest levels. I am grateful and excited to press on and see what my next steps are. Fear and constraint are becoming deep unshakable trust. Mind you it is not always unshakable, but many of my moments are, and when I lose my way I have glorious and amazing friends that remind me.
I didn't think it would take me so long to get my "sea legs". Things were moving along getting better everyday, so happy. I was experiencing true happiness and everyday felt Creator was nurturing my re-assemblage. Then a crown broke and off to the dentist. Oy. Crushing news. I got an estimate of between 25-29,000 dollars. I had been told I had an infection in my bone years ago and and vertical cracks from two implants. Anyway I had a total freak out, and started searching for a dentist in Mexico.
Found one, booked a ticket and didn't even have enough for my mortgage. I have had two donations, and am off and running. When I pray I kept getting the word leap, and leaping I am. I have moments where I experience great fear and more moments experiencing possibilities opening up, many choices coming my way, and a knowing I can put much of my journey behind me as speed bumps.
Life is so very sacred, and moments of love and trust even more so. I can tell magic and healing are present. I am grateful.
One of my great teachers once said to me "poor human beings, they do not realize they are caught in the iron grip of the mental body. If we are not coming from a state of love we are reacting to a memory." Given our subconscious records 11,000,000 bits of information per second and has no discernment, we have many conversations awaiting transformation.
Given the intensity of my history, it has been a long journey. Learning to be present to my feelings and recovering so many lost years, my greatest learning has been to walk into my feelings, feeling them, being present. Holding the space of non judgement is where the magic happens.
Years ago one of my teachers was facilitating me in front of a large crowd. A memory surfaced and he asked what was I feeling. I said "terrified". He said "no you are not. You are terrified to feel your terror. When you feel your terror it will transform quickly."
I took a breath, reminding myself this is a memory, and allowed my feelings to surface. Within minutes, after feeling the discomfort of terror, I was flooded with forgiveness and relief. One of the greatest teachings of my life.
Another one of my great teachers talked about memories from the perspective being trapped energy, and that the only way to release that energy was by reliving the memory.
During the last few months I was reminded to allow Creator to heal me, relax, follow what gives me more energy and to trust what I am here to learn. The challenges presented are here to bless me. I have been reminded daily that my spirit only calls me into opportunities of innovation and faith.
It has been a long haul, of my choosing, taking me back to where I shattered. It is the doorway where I can birth myself anew.
I took a long break because I entered into experiences I could not share, not because I was embarrassed but because I could not wrap myself around what was triggering so much fear, tools not working. So I did the only thing I knew to work which was walking into my feelings as full out as I could.
Herring's Law of Cure states we heal from the least intense to the most intense. I certainly had entered into the most intense moments of my journey. As I have shared, many of my blocks had shown up as physical issues. As the intensity grew so did my symptoms. I decided to deep dive into this dark intense space using all I had learned and discovered. I did not understand what this part of my journey was about, until it finally lifted.
December 22. I will remember that day for eternity.
I am purpose driven, and that was what sustained me. I had to settle into trusting my knowing that my spirit only brings me what is best for me, and for several months I hung onto that awareness. I grappled with finding my big picture. I seemed to stay in a state of survival and that can be exhausting. Then I heard someone on TV say blocks and failure are moments for innovation. That became my mantra.
Ii really did not even know how to talk about this time. I had a deep knowing that I chose this life, and somehow was going to come out the other side healed. I was challenged reconciling my life with my beliefs.
I kept walking into my feelings and being as present to them as I could. I prayed, went on walks, played with my fur babies and did only what stirred my passion. Somewhere along the way I recognized I was re experiencing how I felt as a small girl.
From that moment on I was not resisting this part of my journey. I buckled up and awoke to the possibility, this was a place where I shattered as a young girl. It made everything easier. I certainly longed for a place to talk about this, and to be honest my friends held the boat steady, even though they were uncomfortable with my pain. I could not have done this turnaround without the safety of friendship. I feel so blessed to have such extraordinary friends.
Even though it took all that i had and then some, I woke up on December 22, deeply happy, safe, full of light an deeply trusting God had my back. Everyday my health improve a little more, along with my faith and trust. I experienced the moment I shattered and Creator is helping to put me back together from a place of greater wholeness. I feel I have just stepped out of a 66 year journey of the dark night of the soul.
When I was well into what I call my shadow work I was working with an amazing lady. We were having a conversation and she said “Jan, there are arenas in your life where you have this handled. Here you do not. It is a matter of bridging where you have it handled, to where you do not.” For instance, I am trusting holding the space for others to look at difficult areas of their life. I have an innate trust to jump in and just flow, to get out of the way the best I can and be as present as I can. Magic happens here.
In my deeper and more intimate relationships I sometimes face terror to speak my mind and all sorts of fears come up to somehow contort myself so I do not lose someone or piss them off. LOL, I am still practicing and I will ultimately speak the unspeakable because I have found it is in the space anyway. My best chances of building strong relationships is to put it on the table.
I can remember years ago and listening to a tape about Reverse Speech. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever encountered. I contemplated getting certified or learning more about this. The tapes contained recordings of people speaking in a lovely appropriate manner, recorded on a special recorder, then played back in reverse. OMG it was cosmic. Seriously women were talking about wanting to be with their host while carrying on polite conversations sitting next to their spouse. The recordings were from babblings of babies, which in reverse was saying “help me”, to politicians talking about important world situations while talking about the Iraq War. As I contemplated how to explore this for myself I vetoed the investment, and felt if I had to carry around a machine to discern the truth I would be in trouble. My takeaway was what I genuinely feel is in the space at all times, and with practice through the years I can often hear the unspoken desires and feelings.
As I explored systems of healing almost all of them required constant lessons fees and contact and I began to design my system that way as well. I was uncomfortable to continue in a different way for lots of human reasons, then I met the most amazing and humble man in my lifetime that taught ancient practices and only had 2 levels. He did not believe in groups nor ever setting anything up as one being a guru type teacher. This man eternally changed my life and his walk was one of miracles and love for humans, stretching into the purity of their being. He really stressed the need to not try to heal someone. Creator is in charge of that, and we could work on ourselves about that issue. So let’s say for instance if my sister let’s say, needed a liver transplant, every time I was connecting with her to feel my love for her, and ask Creator to heal whatever memory I had about liver or liver transplants showing up as her illness. This is going to sound weird, and when a year passed she was off the transplant list.
My sister and I did not speak for many years, because my memory of childhood was not even close to hers. I have gotten most of my memory back now, at least enough for me to eternally scratch my head asking what’s this life is about. My sister only has a few memories back two of which was our mother trying to kill her by feeding her mothballs, telling her it was candy.
The main thing Ii was taught up until 8 years ago was to control my negative energy and think positive. There wasn’t enough positive to allow my memories to return then release them. When I started studying Max Freedom Long and Ho’oponopono it filled in so many answers to questions I had carried for years. I began focusing on building relationship with my Inner Child and learning distinctions and roles for the 3 selves, and understanding the nature of our mental body and why initially it can be very hard to surrender and build trust.
Another big step in my healing was learning about how to be clear and avoid misunderstandings. I think that lesson will be eternal. For me being clear with the person I am with is an act of love. Many people find that way of being confrontive and frightening. I would rather be clear than start suppressing what feeds me and is true to my heart.
I can remember when the growth on my thyroid was discovered. I started looking at where it was located. My neck, hmmm. That bridges my head and my heart. I asked myself how much of my authentic self am I holding back. Honestly, I saw 80%. I was afraid I would lose people, and be alone. How weird, and it was deeply ingrained. I journeyed with that thought for many years and worked on closing that gap through the years. I love deeply and passionately. I strive to love from best of who I am, and be willing to face my responsibility and humanness.
I always hear one of my teachers whispering behind me” your feelings are the pathway to your healing, all of them”. I am always amazed at how frightening this concept is for us humans. I can remember a long time ago studying some of the teachings of the Hathors. This is one of the great takeaways for me.
We really only have 2 things to watch out for as humans, places that can trip us up in big way; our judgement of self and others, and our incompletions with others.
This incompletion piece is huge, and remains trapped energy in that part of ourselves that makes our choices. I write letter with all my feelings expressed. I write really fast and unfiltered, a big dump. Sometimes I say a prayer to the universe that this causes no harm and when released can be used for healing.
Sometimes I get comfortable and imagine the person in front of me and have conversations that were too frightening when the issue happened. If it is a huge issue, sometimes I have to make a 2-column list. In one column, all negative phrases. Directly across from each phrase, list what this turns into once healed.
I also have a one phrase mantra that I can say when things get stormy. Since all the grown ups in my family (really broken) tortured, abused or killed others, I found that deeply imbedded in me an expectation that if I loved and interacted with people I cared for I would cause great harm. When I discovered this hidden belief I eventually shortened it to” my love kills”, and the healed state became “my love gives life”. When the storms arrive repeating the healed state opens my energy, compassion and forgiveness.
I took a look across my life and do this with all my bigger issues. It builds brides and opens the energy.
This allows life to nurture me and bring the balm of forgiveness and a place to rest.
I can remember having a phone call with several peers in the industry of transformation and we were exploring the possibility of doing a workshop together and I said, I felt our greatest challenge as human beings was feeling our feelings, and learning how to be with the hidden ones and allow them to transform, rather than stuff them.
Initially it was a very exciting conversation. We began to imagine how our diversity could come together. I was jazzed. As we continued, I shared some of the revolutionary approaches explored in “User Illusion”, and the possibility we are off target in our approach, and how exciting to explore new approaches and new strategies.
Then there was a resounding “you can’t tell people they are wrong!” Mind you I had known both peers for over 20 years. I scratched my head and wondered if there was any role I could play in creating something together because the 3 selves and our neglectful approach to our subconscious, and our continued attempt to dominate our feelings, I feel is why the world is so askew at this time. For me it creates a break within which is screaming to be explored and pondered.
If our approach was so spot on why is our world so shocked at the anger, rage and division being expressed? If we are truly co-creators of our reality, then why is all this hatred and prejudice here now.
If all it took was controlling our feelings our world would look very different. With a 16 year memory loss, I was told early on in order to heal I was going to have to relive those suppressed memories. For me the world was not very supportive of getting in touch with my feelings and once there how do I elevate them. There have been many a relationship through the years, where people would tell me to just get over it, and to think of the positive things. There have been many moments I did not feel positive, I felt very scared navigating this by myself. I did not see very many places where getting in touch with the darker feelings was tolerated, much less having an understanding that unless trauma is dealt with it becomes trapped energy and runs your life and choices anyway.
Being deeply engaged in “what does it take to transform those darker feelings, I have had a chance to work with many people, and what I find is that most people are absolutely terrified of feeling their feelings, much less expressing them. When I was developing The Philosopher’s Stone and taught a few classed, I immediately had 18 people who wanted to be coaches. They wanted to instantly go out and heal their friends and family. I was very strict about doing the work yourself. I operate from the inner knowing I cannot lead anyone to places where I have not given the space to myself first. One of my mentors said it is the healers of the world that have caused the most upheaval and damage to our world. That certainly gave me a few years of pause and introspection. I began to explore this with some of my friends and I was horrified ant some of their answers and very appreciative of their honesty at the same time. One acquaintance was a Dr. and worked with veterans as a Psychologist. I was exploring this thing I was noticing of did I perpetuate difficulties and illnesses in my processes. Was I somehow keeping clients engaged to grow my business. These were not the most elegant answers to dig up and so very important for my personal integrity and living with myself. Anyway back to my therapist friend. I shared my personal inquiry and he openly said he never let someone go, or be confident in their leaving his mentorship until he had someone to replace him. He was a brilliant man, and I admired him and this way of being with clients set off every warning flag for me personally. I was in conversation with one of my mentors and we were talking about classes and the healing modalities we loved and he said he targeted each student to take about $30,000. We all need to make a living and it is wise to map out price strategies that afford a decent lifestyle, but what happens when that becomes the focus rather than providing a space for someone to become self-reliant and have the tools to step into their “unknown genius” or creativity. Armed with realistic expectations of the tools provided. For me, this approach is mired in the many traps, whistles and bells of the mental body.
I recently was working with a student that was facing the possibility of death, she had coded, been revived and felt to call me. I was tough on her in a way by pointing her deeply into assuming responsibility, although unconscious, that she was creating this, and that by assuming responsibility it would lead her to great freedom as well as learning to feel her feelings. We talked about each of ours fears and successes of learning how to feel, and she expressed her terror of becoming un-numb and feeling again, and that pull was far greater than learning how to be with her feelings. I have experienced people willing to go insane rather than feel, I have had all those feelings as well, and have great compassion that it is a road we have to learn how to walk down. The speed of our journey is always determined by our ability to learn how to trust ourselves. I believe there is an innate fear if we feel our darker feeling we will be consumed by them or become horrible human beings. I also believe this is why all this hatred is coming to the surface. We have been so confronted by the prejudice and hatred carried within our humanness and have been taught for a very long time to avoid the negative at all costs.
One of my teachers said to me a long time ago “Jan if you trust your feelings they will lead you out of this. “I believe in Creators ultimate wisdom and that we have a job to do. I do not believe he created us in order for us to deny an entire aspect of our being……. I believe we are here to elevate our humanness, and to witness the purity of our essence within that space. I believe we are here to untangle from the programming of our journeys together and to set ourselves free into our new world of our relationship to all life. A chance to awaken to the beauty of a more spirit driven destiny into the magic of life and who we are together.
The reasons I started writing this blog was two-fold. Encouraged by friends to write down some steps, that are very powerful and supportive to coming back into balance with myself, and that it would be very healing for me to put myself out there. The greater purpose, has been in hopes of touching someone who might be facing a bleak diagnosis or feeling hopeless.
Without hope the doorway out is harder to find, and it can be a descending spiral, survivable and not much fun. With hope, I can dig a little deeper and reinvent myself once again. Now, faith is another story. So I always start with hope and some of the ways I find it I will write a bit about.
Since unresolved feelings, moments or memories remain in our being as trapped energy, one of my favorite tools is to write down every negative thing or conversation and then burn it. Release it into the cosmos. If it involves a relationship with many unspoken conversations that is what I write. Every feeling and unsaid words. Then I burn it. It always brings me to a sense of completion. If it is an inner conversation or even a conversation about God, I start writing. There is always an in filling of light and the beginnings of hope. New perspectives are easier to explore from here.
Another great way of getting in touch with feelings is listening to music. Finding a quiet spot, and letting the music open you to your feelings and sometimes long buried conversations. In my deepest beliefs we are a triple being, High Self, Middle Self and Low Self, the most empowering realization is my High Self was once all of these. Within the consciousness of the High Self is the blueprint out or up. Another vital piece to this puzzle has been, we can hear Spirit only in our low self/inner child/heart. So if I am stuck or challenge, I often will meditate, pray, sit by a tree, walk for at least 25 minutes or listen to music. This is what works for me and anything that opens me to my feeling I use. In the course of my studies, I found teachings on my High Self that rocked my world and answered many questions on blocks to manifestation.
The High Self has to be petitioned. It resides outside of our physical body and is attached via aka cords or those silver threads I used to read about as a young woman. Because of where it resides it needs mana, or chi to manifest my prayers, and it does not have the capacity to manufacture or gather chi. The low self/inner child/subconscious can gather or manufacture chi, and it is in charge of our physical bodies. In Max Freedom Long he writes in a book What Jesus Taught in Secret, how the disciples supported Christ by using life force energy supporting some of the huge miraculous manifestations of His Love. For me, this began to answer so many questions I have had and gave me a bit of a blueprint on how the 3 selves work together. So for the first 7 years I just focused on connecting to my inner child/subconscious/low self. I had never heard of the connection to the High Self.
It has been said the loneliness we feel as human beings is the longing of the High Self to serve. I have a profound chart in the resource section you can download or look at to see the roles of the 3 selves. This took about 5 years to put together and it has been so very helpful.
I found most of my healing was motivated by fear, fear I wasn’t going to be able to turn this around and that I had to work harder and be more committed, and there is truth in that. However, once I began to understand that what I really had to do was to gather the energy and send it to my High Self. All I had to do was to surrender at that point. The nature of the middle self is to never surrender and on top of the sexual abuse I experienced surrender was not in my makeup. I knew I had to take baby steps and that all this was doable. Learning how to navigate in the unknown for me is still uncomfortable and I am learning that is just a natural jumping point until I develop enough trust to let go and have more fun.
For me this whole conversation has been very empowering. All the conversations of self-doubt and “what am I doing wrong”? began to melt away. I began approaching releasing trapped energy and rewriting older conversations with greater ease and greater light.
Right now I am focusing on the energies of the Divine Feminine, invoking guidance, insight, grace and love. I am invoking the High Self of the Divine Feminine to open my being to a miraculous healing. I am spending more time being filled with confidence and peace regardless of what is happening for me physically. This is really fun. Don’t be frightened. Remember the definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over expecting different result. Next step finding out who I am in all this.
I am so fascinated by how sensitive we are and how our subconscious, processes and incredible 11,000,000 bits of information per second and how important it is to befriend that part of ourselves and begin to elevate that relationship. Max Freedom Long says that relationship is one of the most important we have.
I have been doing this for a number of years now and I am finding it easier to look at these hidden conversations without so much judgement. That enables me to look at conversations that need to be reframed without much drama.
Through the years I have found some people would rather go insane than feel, or die rather than feel. From my studies one of the functions of the mental body is to remain perched within our consciousness as judge and jury, and to keep us in the known at all costs. Anything that is “otherness” to us is a danger and needs to be imprisoned or killed.
If you look at how we treat “otherness”, racially, sexually, unknown species, ET’s, creepy crawlers and even disease, we want to isolate, confine and destroy. Monitor their movement at all costs. For disease, we create chemicals to wage war on what ails us, or cut it out. Think about it, antibiotics means anti-life. I had a dear friend, full blooded Cherokee, who developed cancer, and had spent time in Vietnam during the war. At Duke they diagnosed him with cancer of his tongue and said they had a very high cure rate. By the time the finished dissecting him he was so tired and beaten, he eventually let go. They cut out most of his tongue, his lymph nodes, jaw bone and muscles in his neck. My brother in law developed stage 4 pancreatic cancer, metastasized to his liver, and they kept pumping him full of chemo after having been given 2 weeks to live. What drives this approach to healing? I am convinced it is driven by the mental body. It is one course of treatment, but it does not take into account the whole person. We have become so specialized in many arenas we do not take into account the whole. Each system affects another. I am convinced I am still vertical because I have been treating my consciousness and my sometimes heroic attempts at treating the physical, and my approach has had to be more holistic because I have never had a diagnosis outside the suspect tumor 20 years ago.
I am so thankful I moved into these woods 18 years ago, and that I created a lifestyle that gave me the time and environment to delve into this inquiry about consciousness.
If our old ways are so effective, being positive, be spiritual, suppress everything else, and bury, why would the world look the way it does? If our world is a product of our consciousness, we truly are missing the mark. I often look out into the world and take a few deep breaths and continue to work on my own programming, because there seems little else I can do.
One of the things I love the most is what I have learned by assuming greater responsibility. It seems to open my energy, opens my forgiveness for the choices I have made and to nurture the seed of self-love. Otherwise the victim mentality sets in and I continually look at what I am doing wrong and looking outside myself for help. There are certainly many moments of fear that arise, and as I journey through this I know that is natural, my mental body is fearful of the new and do some inner work to connect to my subconscious or inner child. I have found whenever my old pattern emerges, or I seem stopped by leaping into the unknown, all is good and it is quite natural, and I move forward, often with many little steps, and change happens. Sometime I remark how this life is truly leading me into a life of trusting in life and Creator, and that all my inner nudges are leading me into my love and passion, if I can just let go. That has been like building new muscles, many repetitive choices.
I am reminded when times get tough, I am magnetized to repeat certain patterns and approaches and if they are not working I have to interrupt my approach and try something new. The resistance I experience is not my self-sabotage, it is magnetics, and the pull of those magnetics, depending on the subject may be fueled by others who feel the same way.
Imagine coming from a lineage of women who become bedridden for 10 plus years. Even though my sister and I have been estranged through most of the last 25 years, we both have exhibited most of the same symptoms. One of the great concepts I learned is if we approach our healing from dealing with the symptoms, we will have to wage war, and most likely lose. That is because the symptoms are places in consciousness that have gained mush mass, energy and form. It is important to discover approaches that allow us to deal with these symptoms by uncovering the places of least resistance. It is so much easier. I believe collectively we are being presented with many moments to think way outside of the box to support us and our world to come back into greater balance.
And that brings me back to the idea of being one of many pathfinders. Can we not find greater compassion and healing from the courage it takes to change and understand our evolution? Spiritual beings having a human experience. Going against our old approaches to build strong inner relationships within our 3 selves so we can be more spirit driven, as well as accessing the doorway to our vast abilities to problem solve. Look at all these amazing children worldwide that are coming up with radical solutions to energy and cleaning our environment. The see the problem and just jump in. There are so many breakthroughs throughout the world. I just love understanding what is behind the resistance.
In the book “User Illusion” by Tors Norreanders, he delves deeply into the magic that happens with many of the all-time greats in the field of sports, theater, and music and business. These great coaches understood these resistances and the importance of doing many repetitive exercises to build trust with our conscious mind.
Through acts of building this trust, we reach moments of surrender, surrender to our subconscious and the most sublime moments happen, effortlessly.
As an artist, I crave and consciously work on building that trust, and strive for moments of surrender. Those are the places where time disappears, and where the magic of who we are comes into play.
When I work with the flowers and herbs, my innocence is called forth, and I live in a wondrous world, I just have to learn how to bridge it into other areas that have been challenging. Bridging areas I naturally trust to areas I do not have that trust. And the plants are given to us by creator to support us bridging heaven and earth through our bodies.
You know how the law of attraction is described? Focus on what your outcome is, be positive, and it will happen. All you have to do is manage your stinking thinking. I have years long conversations wondering what it was that I was doing wrong, to not have my outcome manifest.
I searched high and low, had teachers that just said get over it, recommitted and took new action steps. It wasn’t until about 8 years ago did I begin to find answers that made so much sense, and it brings me back to my understanding of the three selves and their roles in manifesting and prayer.
Two of the most important and vital concepts for me were; any unresolved traumas, remained in the body as trapped energy until felt and re-experienced, and the subconscious or inner child has no discernment and records 11,000,000 bits of information per second. It records everything.
Early on in my quest to get well, I would work with a variety of healers to try to get insight. I did not like feeling so challenged physically, and was determined to go to battle for my health. I had one healer that said for $500 he would clear my karma, I had another healer in Austin, that said I must have been cute in a past life to experience so much trauma. He was dismissive and made me feel I was somehow bad and deserving of so much suffering.
I contacted a well-known medical intuitive and had a reading via the phone. This is fascinating. She told me I had MS, from a dog bite as a child. This scared me in a big way. I ignored it, it did not feel right, and within a month I started drooling and becoming weak. Over the next few months I began falling over and even had many moments of falling over or down, and remember on more than one occasion not being able to walk, or get home from the studio, and not being able to get upstairs to my bed. I never talked to anyone about this period of time, ever. I thought I am not taking this one on. I knew there was a relationship to this person diagnosing me and my ever growing serious symptoms.
I had a friend in Arizona whose husband was admitted to the hospital with leg pain. They x-rayed him and found a tumor that had enveloped his bone. They gave him a brief time to live, and it was so. I have lost two of my dearest friends to cancer. One friend was a world renown healer. We had talked about some things going on for both of us, and she never revealed the intensity of what she was going for her. She started sleeping a lot, lost a lot of weight, talked about how good she felt, and at some point decided to go to a clinic. They said she had cancer of the lungs which had spread to her colon. She was given a week to live, and she was dead within a month. Everyone sat around her waiting for her to die.
I have many more friends and relative I have lost to cancer as so many of us have. A few have survived. I think the statistics are One in three people will get cancer. What is that about. With all of our great advances our statistics are getting worse. If you search stories about people who have approached their healing in ways that are out of the box, on occasion miraculous results happen. I began delving into this.
I had heard from one of my teachers, there was a case of a woman with multiple personalities that had cancer in one personality, and it was gone in another. For me whether that is a documented case or not, it was a bold example of what is possible if you shift your consciousness. Would I be able to uncover my conversations which led to my diseases, and shift into another space and be well? Clearly I have not hit that space and I have discovered a lot of cool stuff taking my baby steps.
There are certain diseases that only exist in hospitals. Most people when they get a life ending diagnosis, have every professional focusing on them expecting them to die, their staff and any health care worker that reads their charts, and then their family members begin to gather waiting for their death. All of this mostly happens in our unconscious, nobody does this intentionally, however I began to see, this fed the consciousness of disease as well as death.
I began to think about the laws of manifestation. What we put our attention on, and feel, becomes.
What would happen if I did not share with many people, only shared with those I trusted to be able to hold the space of my victory? Would that increase my odds to heal?
Then there was the matter of the collective consciousness. What do we believe as a whole about cancer?
Most of my friends say, everyone has to die, and I look at it differently.
Every woman from my lineage, back several generations, got sick for better than 10 years, then went insane or died. An example I would use with myself was, if each generation was 50 years, and this thought form or belief went back 5 generations, did this have the energy of a 250-year-old thought form? Was that laying on top of my own hopes and fears? This felt right.
My sister and I had not spoken for decades, and when we did reconnect it was wonderful and cosmic. My sister was completely living in the western approach to medicine. However, every disease I had including my cataracts she had. One year my blood pressure had spiked to 235 over 165. At the same time, she had had the same BP readings, our cataracts at the same time, and every theory I had about what was going on she had had a formal diagnosis. Interesting and haunting.
I have found for myself and some loved ones when a diagnosis is given an instinctual energy arises to do anything and everything possible to get this disease out of us. Many religions pass down the belief disease visits someone because they have done something wrong or a less than.
Another interesting concept from Joe Scogna. We are capable of healing much, and unleashing the body’s ability to homeostasis. However, with how we have raped and pillaged the earth, robbed the soils of its minerals and nutrients, polluted the air and waters, all the extra toxins interfere with our body’s natural ability to come into balance. This is on top of whatever we are dealing with emotional and spiritually.
I have lost my greatest loves to disease and struggle with my own. However, I believe life is a choice. Many of my friends and peers disagree with this concept. Remember when I shared a bit of my journey to Arizona? The group I communed with believed life was a choice. Two people who led this exploration, that I love deeply to this day were a couple named Bernie and Chuck. They believe we can live forever and death is a program. I heard Bernie say on many an occasion if she got sick, she would simply outlive it. Chuck has since died, yet when I was at death’s door through the years I would watch her on YouTube or connect with her and make a new choice for myself. My teacher in Ho’oponopono says all disease is consciousness. By the time it anchors in the physical, it has been around for a very long time.
What does this have to do with disease? A lot. Have I figured it out? Hell no. Am I making headway? Hell yes. Is there a lot here to ponder? I would say resoundingly yes. I will always be inspired by the man who was given moment to live, denied chemo and treatments, lived another 30 years and even got married.
When I shut my eyes I can see myself somewhere on the coast of England, Scotland, or Ireland, leaning into my mate, feeling his new beard against my neck, wind blowing, holding hands as we walk along the cliffs., feeling full and loving life and each other.
Over thirty-five years ago I made a powerful commitment to do whatever it took to heal myself.. My emotional life was a mess and I began my search for tools and technologies that produced