One of my great teachers once said to me "poor human beings, they do not realize they are caught in the iron grip of the mental body. If we are not coming from a state of love we are reacting to a memory." Given our subconscious records 11,000,000 bits of information per second and has no discernment, we have many conversations awaiting transformation.
Given the intensity of my history, it has been a long journey. Learning to be present to my feelings and recovering so many lost years, my greatest learning has been to walk into my feelings, feeling them, being present. Holding the space of non judgement is where the magic happens.
Years ago one of my teachers was facilitating me in front of a large crowd. A memory surfaced and he asked what was I feeling. I said "terrified". He said "no you are not. You are terrified to feel your terror. When you feel your terror it will transform quickly."
I took a breath, reminding myself this is a memory, and allowed my feelings to surface. Within minutes, after feeling the discomfort of terror, I was flooded with forgiveness and relief. One of the greatest teachings of my life.
Another one of my great teachers talked about memories from the perspective being trapped energy, and that the only way to release that energy was by reliving the memory.
During the last few months I was reminded to allow Creator to heal me, relax, follow what gives me more energy and to trust what I am here to learn. The challenges presented are here to bless me. I have been reminded daily that my spirit only calls me into opportunities of innovation and faith.
It has been a long haul, of my choosing, taking me back to where I shattered. It is the doorway where I can birth myself anew.
I took a long break because I entered into experiences I could not share, not because I was embarrassed but because I could not wrap myself around what was triggering so much fear, tools not working. So I did the only thing I knew to work which was walking into my feelings as full out as I could.
Herring's Law of Cure states we heal from the least intense to the most intense. I certainly had entered into the most intense moments of my journey. As I have shared, many of my blocks had shown up as physical issues. As the intensity grew so did my symptoms. I decided to deep dive into this dark intense space using all I had learned and discovered. I did not understand what this part of my journey was about, until it finally lifted.
December 22. I will remember that day for eternity.
I am purpose driven, and that was what sustained me. I had to settle into trusting my knowing that my spirit only brings me what is best for me, and for several months I hung onto that awareness. I grappled with finding my big picture. I seemed to stay in a state of survival and that can be exhausting. Then I heard someone on TV say blocks and failure are moments for innovation. That became my mantra.
Ii really did not even know how to talk about this time. I had a deep knowing that I chose this life, and somehow was going to come out the other side healed. I was challenged reconciling my life with my beliefs.
I kept walking into my feelings and being as present to them as I could. I prayed, went on walks, played with my fur babies and did only what stirred my passion. Somewhere along the way I recognized I was re experiencing how I felt as a small girl.
From that moment on I was not resisting this part of my journey. I buckled up and awoke to the possibility, this was a place where I shattered as a young girl. It made everything easier. I certainly longed for a place to talk about this, and to be honest my friends held the boat steady, even though they were uncomfortable with my pain. I could not have done this turnaround without the safety of friendship. I feel so blessed to have such extraordinary friends.
Even though it took all that i had and then some, I woke up on December 22, deeply happy, safe, full of light an deeply trusting God had my back. Everyday my health improve a little more, along with my faith and trust. I experienced the moment I shattered and Creator is helping to put me back together from a place of greater wholeness. I feel I have just stepped out of a 66 year journey of the dark night of the soul.