You know how the law of attraction is described? Focus on what your outcome is, be positive, and it will happen. All you have to do is manage your stinking thinking. I have years long conversations wondering what it was that I was doing wrong, to not have my outcome manifest.
I searched high and low, had teachers that just said get over it, recommitted and took new action steps. It wasn’t until about 8 years ago did I begin to find answers that made so much sense, and it brings me back to my understanding of the three selves and their roles in manifesting and prayer.
Two of the most important and vital concepts for me were; any unresolved traumas, remained in the body as trapped energy until felt and re-experienced, and the subconscious or inner child has no discernment and records 11,000,000 bits of information per second. It records everything.
Early on in my quest to get well, I would work with a variety of healers to try to get insight. I did not like feeling so challenged physically, and was determined to go to battle for my health. I had one healer that said for $500 he would clear my karma, I had another healer in Austin, that said I must have been cute in a past life to experience so much trauma. He was dismissive and made me feel I was somehow bad and deserving of so much suffering.
I contacted a well-known medical intuitive and had a reading via the phone. This is fascinating. She told me I had MS, from a dog bite as a child. This scared me in a big way. I ignored it, it did not feel right, and within a month I started drooling and becoming weak. Over the next few months I began falling over and even had many moments of falling over or down, and remember on more than one occasion not being able to walk, or get home from the studio, and not being able to get upstairs to my bed. I never talked to anyone about this period of time, ever. I thought I am not taking this one on. I knew there was a relationship to this person diagnosing me and my ever growing serious symptoms.
I had a friend in Arizona whose husband was admitted to the hospital with leg pain. They x-rayed him and found a tumor that had enveloped his bone. They gave him a brief time to live, and it was so. I have lost two of my dearest friends to cancer. One friend was a world renown healer. We had talked about some things going on for both of us, and she never revealed the intensity of what she was going for her. She started sleeping a lot, lost a lot of weight, talked about how good she felt, and at some point decided to go to a clinic. They said she had cancer of the lungs which had spread to her colon. She was given a week to live, and she was dead within a month. Everyone sat around her waiting for her to die.
I have many more friends and relative I have lost to cancer as so many of us have. A few have survived. I think the statistics are One in three people will get cancer. What is that about. With all of our great advances our statistics are getting worse. If you search stories about people who have approached their healing in ways that are out of the box, on occasion miraculous results happen. I began delving into this.
I had heard from one of my teachers, there was a case of a woman with multiple personalities that had cancer in one personality, and it was gone in another. For me whether that is a documented case or not, it was a bold example of what is possible if you shift your consciousness. Would I be able to uncover my conversations which led to my diseases, and shift into another space and be well? Clearly I have not hit that space and I have discovered a lot of cool stuff taking my baby steps.
There are certain diseases that only exist in hospitals. Most people when they get a life ending diagnosis, have every professional focusing on them expecting them to die, their staff and any health care worker that reads their charts, and then their family members begin to gather waiting for their death. All of this mostly happens in our unconscious, nobody does this intentionally, however I began to see, this fed the consciousness of disease as well as death.
I began to think about the laws of manifestation. What we put our attention on, and feel, becomes.
What would happen if I did not share with many people, only shared with those I trusted to be able to hold the space of my victory? Would that increase my odds to heal?
Then there was the matter of the collective consciousness. What do we believe as a whole about cancer?
Most of my friends say, everyone has to die, and I look at it differently.
Every woman from my lineage, back several generations, got sick for better than 10 years, then went insane or died. An example I would use with myself was, if each generation was 50 years, and this thought form or belief went back 5 generations, did this have the energy of a 250-year-old thought form? Was that laying on top of my own hopes and fears? This felt right.
My sister and I had not spoken for decades, and when we did reconnect it was wonderful and cosmic. My sister was completely living in the western approach to medicine. However, every disease I had including my cataracts she had. One year my blood pressure had spiked to 235 over 165. At the same time, she had had the same BP readings, our cataracts at the same time, and every theory I had about what was going on she had had a formal diagnosis. Interesting and haunting.
I have found for myself and some loved ones when a diagnosis is given an instinctual energy arises to do anything and everything possible to get this disease out of us. Many religions pass down the belief disease visits someone because they have done something wrong or a less than.
Another interesting concept from Joe Scogna. We are capable of healing much, and unleashing the body’s ability to homeostasis. However, with how we have raped and pillaged the earth, robbed the soils of its minerals and nutrients, polluted the air and waters, all the extra toxins interfere with our body’s natural ability to come into balance. This is on top of whatever we are dealing with emotional and spiritually.
I have lost my greatest loves to disease and struggle with my own. However, I believe life is a choice. Many of my friends and peers disagree with this concept. Remember when I shared a bit of my journey to Arizona? The group I communed with believed life was a choice. Two people who led this exploration, that I love deeply to this day were a couple named Bernie and Chuck. They believe we can live forever and death is a program. I heard Bernie say on many an occasion if she got sick, she would simply outlive it. Chuck has since died, yet when I was at death’s door through the years I would watch her on YouTube or connect with her and make a new choice for myself. My teacher in Ho’oponopono says all disease is consciousness. By the time it anchors in the physical, it has been around for a very long time.
What does this have to do with disease? A lot. Have I figured it out? Hell no. Am I making headway? Hell yes. Is there a lot here to ponder? I would say resoundingly yes. I will always be inspired by the man who was given moment to live, denied chemo and treatments, lived another 30 years and even got married.
When I shut my eyes I can see myself somewhere on the coast of England, Scotland, or Ireland, leaning into my mate, feeling his new beard against my neck, wind blowing, holding hands as we walk along the cliffs., feeling full and loving life and each other.
I have had to train myself to follow where my energy opens, until I hit the arena of jumping into the unknown. After all this, it still is scary for me. I did a lot of seeking to find some answers. Yes, it involves my lack of faith and trust, and I felt it was bigger than that. In studying the roles of the 3 selves, it was an eye opener to discover the nature of the mental body is to stay in the known, and to suppress going into the unknown. The mental body loves to go from point “a” to point “b”. To travel in straight lines and more importantly to have a map and have as much figured out as possible. Exploring this as a possibility has allowed me to take more tiny steps and to nurture discernment of which inner voice to listen too.
I was talking to a friend the other day who was in a crisis and when I was praying about her situation, I was reminded of the power of some of my teachers and their approach to healing. Since so much of my battle was with myself and my inner judge of right and wrong, pathways that allowed a new understanding or perspective began to cross my path. Learning how to ask the right questions has been a big piece of what has led me out of some very dark places.
I am going to share a bit of what I learned from Joe Scogna, that changed my life and approach forever opening worlds of forgiveness, and letting go of so much judgement. Much of his approach was scientific and was about physics. His approach was traumas and memories caused us to become magnetic to our patterns, how we run energy and how we run our energy through particular organ systems that would then begin to overheat and break down.
I was like, OMG, all this stuff is recurring because I have become magnetized to recreate them. I think my amygdala got set on high and I am still trying to cool it down. Some people feel that is a big component with people that have PTSD. Joe was the first time I had ever considered I had become magnetic, and it was not just some form of self-sabotage because I did not love myself or something bad I was trying to do to myself. It was a huge weight lifting off me. It also offered a way out. Now it was about what I could do to cool my systems down. That is where my flower essences were so extremely helpful. When I used my system to find the memory triggered and how I run my energy, I would make up essence targeting specific organs to help lift the memories into my awareness and cool things off.
With the coaching I do I have to say that is singularly the most confrontive thing anyone has to do is to feel their feelings. I still wrestle ways of sharing tools that supports more trust and confidence. It is a journey, and as I build more trust and understand the huge release of light and energy in my body, I open up and begin to welcome my feelings.
After I got the memory of the KKK hanging, I participated in a class that was designed to release repressed memories, and it was with a teacher that knew some of my history. There was some prep of mineralizing the body, and I jumped in. I believe there were about 30 people. I was a bit concerned on what my reliving memories would be like for others. He had me jump on the table with a handful of others holding some acupressure points. I relived every moment of the hanging. There is very little talking in this particular system. It was intense, and lasted about an hour and half. People were vomiting and I was in anguish. I had a lot of trust in this space and went for it. I knew if I could relive it with feeling I would have much heaviness leave, and much light in its place. Close to the end of the session, it was as if all of us were blessed with the grace of the higher realms. The people working with me were extraordinary to holding the space, and their gift of love enabled me to face so much and forever changed me.
After the session, I was spent, and I went over to an altar that was set up in the room and there was a picture of the Dalai Lama, and Gurumayi. I looked into the pictures and was filled with such love and tenderness, and knew all was good.
On my way home that evening, there was a big snowstorm, and I was listening to Public Radio, and there was an African American being interviewed about the KKK hangings in the south and how they were a family event. Sometime when new memories surface, there is always a bit of a question of is that really possible. This radio interview was the first time I had ever heard of such a thing as an adult. In college, during the late 60’s at the University of Alabama, I was very protective of the African Americans and felt much comradery with them. I did not care for the white people much back then and have always gone into panic attacks going to gatherings. So many of my quirks and fears made sense.
I struggle a bit on how much to share and how to share it. My heart is to share a space that no matter how bleak things have looked from time to time, I chose this. Finding empowering approaches that allow the” Great” freedom to envelope me by assuming greater responsibility. Understanding this is my job, what I signed up for this lifetime, allows me to reach deep inside to find my heart and my courage. When I take the time to reflect on all the gifts this life has blessed me with it is profound.
My life doesn’t look anything like what I had in mind, and it is so much greater.
Working with the plants, as I shared before has been so magical and such a blessing. I can remember after I made Resurrection, I drawn into this wondrous world of the beauty of flowers. The blueprint they hold is for the whole plant.
Years ago I was taught they were about trust and innocence. And indeed they are and so much more. Some First Nation Peoples say within 50 feet of where you live there is a plant that will heal you. For me they are also the bridgers, their roots deep within the earth and their leaves reaching high toward the sun. For me they are here to help us bridge heaven and earth, or our humanness and our spirit, within our bodies.
I journey to many places within these forests journey with them. I stalked places that had been ravaged by poison to learn from them how to help lift the poison within my own form. When I was dealing with memories and the organs affected I would be drawn to a place where groupings of flowers would grow, and during ceremony they would reveal how they work together. Over a two-year period, I just did ceremony with the flowers and made over 250 essences. There was a time I remembered every location and what the plant looked like along with any animals or insects that were interacting.
Then I began to make formulas to help ease and quicken letting go of trapped energy. They bring a quickening and much light. Soul Fire Flower Essences are from the plant kingdom. I am forever blessed by their expression and gifts. I do know the plants share their energy when a person is in their hearts. They have brought me much hope, and blessings beyond what I can find words for.
I was talking with a friend the other day and she remarked “You are so strong”, and I said I am not, I am committed. I journey with our conversation all day yesterday, and I know my results are proportionate to my commitment. When a commitment is made, life does provide the answers. When things have not worked out it is usually because I am not aligned or it is a timing issue.
I remember a class when Dr. I’Haleakala Hew Len was sharing a story about the consequence of prayer. He said he requested to pray about with and cleaned with a Clinic that dealt with High Blood Pressure. So everyone’s blood pressure healed, and the clinic closed. If prayer involves others, they all have to be on the same page. Interesting scenario.
I have to recommit sometimes many times in a day. I bring myself back to the awareness that I chose this journey, and I can. This is my job and it is an agreement between me and Creator. This is way more empowering than what am I doing wrong? I also have to remind myself, I am learning new pathways to my wellbeing. I am crawling out of being birthed from what I sometimes call the bowels of humanity.
By the time I was 8, I had been molested by over 10 men and women, witnessed a sexual mutilation at 3, witnessed a brutal murder, gang raped on a camping trip and tortured in a basement by my dear Grandmother for 5 years. When I opened the repressed memories it was extremely frightening, paralyzing, and stressful beyond what I knew. It has driven me to know Creator. It has driven me to find a way that was empowering, where I felt I was making a difference for my lineage.
You see early on; I was told what you heal for yourself you heal for your family. I did not love myself enough to do it for me, I always had to find a bigger purpose. I can remember an astrologer who did my chart and she said, Jan you can sit up there on that mountain, heal yourself and help thousands of children. That is what moved my soul. My family hated and shunned me for years. In fact, my sister’s children hate me to this day because the perceive me as having betrayed my father. He was one a cryptologist with the government and a Russian specialist. I will leave it at that for now. My sister never regained her memory, and we began reconnecting after about 28 years. I love her very much and understand this road is not for everyone. It was a wonderful time to visit, connect and laugh again. I said to her, do you think I could visit you and your family and share a meal over the holiday? She replied, you are not welcome in my house, my number one priority is to protect the memory of Dad. That was like getting punched in the gut for a while.
When I am working with others I say this is one of the most important things to discover or uncover. Find your purpose in your journey and what life trying to teach you why would your spirit draw this in, way beyond getting stuck. I have created for myself some fun visualizations that allow me to pull out of the shame or pain long enough to see the gift of a big picture, or what it turns into in the healed state.
YOU MUST EXPLORE WHAT DOES THIS TURN INTO IN THE HEALED STATE. I have found that always carves a pathway out, and gives me the fuel to take that road.
I gather and seek tools and friendships that supports my awareness I am at a place of choice, instead of stuck in the pain. I work at being present to the pain, darkness and horror, welcoming it up. One perspective I play with is any unresolved pain or issue, remains as trapped energy in my body. I run energy when a memory is triggered along certain pathways, and when that repeats over and over my organs overheat and start to get worn out. As I became more and more challenged physically I developed a sense of urgency to explore this concept. So far I am still vertical.
When all this started to come together for me, I was very weak, and this was very recent. I was in so much pain I was waking up crying every night, and finally started preparing to cross that rainbow bridge. I was no longer willing to suffer. Up until then, I had been solidly choosing life. I was terribly sad to be so broken. I knew the magic of our physical body but could not see a way through all this. I was talking to a treasured friend, and I shared I couldn’t do this anymore. She suggested I go deep into prayer, which is how I spend most of my time these days. What I heard shocked me.
I heard that I had not gone full out with nutritional, emotional and spiritual support all at once since I retrieved the memory of the KKK hanging. I was nudged to do go full out for 30 days. Within a week the pain disappeared, and my energy started building. I was so far down the rabbit hole it would be an act of God for me to resurrect. I am now on my 3rd 30-day protocol. I have a new formula I am on, made in my beloved herb kitchen. I am dosing myself at unheard levels. I have never heard of these doses and they are working great. I improve daily. I have a long way to go, and I am so jazzed to have the quality of life I have.
So to wrap things up, it is clear to me the importance of following where the energy opens in my life. Sometimes I get stuck when I am faced with starting over, and reinventing myself at 66. Sometimes it feels like a daunting task, and I cannot do this alone. Every step seems to be fueled by something beyond my humanness. I am not sure how this is going to turn out, and I am so content and happy for every day.
One of the most magical doorways presented to me on this journey, came during one of my annual vision quests.
As I began exploring what opened my energy or gave me fulfillment and an energy gain I loved making medicines, potions and creams. I would go into my herbal kitchen and instantly enter a world of freedom, joy and communion. Time vanished, and I had immense pleasure. The plants would begin to share teachings and with the years, I mostly commune with them through pictures.
Every year after I moved to NC I would do a 3-day vision quest over the Easter weekend. This particular Easter I was finding my way through some dark memories, and set off on my quest. I had a small sweat lodge and would frequently start my quest with a sweat lodge.
While praying I was instructed to go gather 7 flowers and make a flower essence and call it Resurrection.
I believe that was the first time I had ever received such a directive. I was excited and had to learn how to make them. I had worked with Bach Flower Remedies for years so I was a bit familiar with their subtle healing qualities.
I set off to find the flowers. It seemed as if I had just missed the blooming of these flowers. I was not happy; in fact, I was like a spoiled child in that moment. Why would I have had to wait so long to hear Creators’ voice to have to wait another year to begin making this flower essence.
About 2 hours form me are the most wonderful hot springs. It is a place I go to seek new answers. It must have a mineral in the water that I am highly deficient in because when I sit in that water I have visions and I rest so deeply.
I was resting in the wonder of this great planet and her worlds, not getting clear on why I had not found the flowers, but filling up with contentment and trust. I was going to have dinner with a new friend, and decided to go home over the mountains.
I carry a flower essence making kit in my car, and behold, on the way home I found 6 out of the 7 flowers. I was elated! When I arrived for dinner the 7th flower was blooming in her yard. Wow!
Working with the flowers, which are the fullest expression of the plant along with the elements has been the most fun, the most magical, the most inspiring time of my life. It made my history worth every moment. Every scary moment, digging deep to take the next steps was the doorway to fulfillment beyond anything I could imagine. For the next 2 years I did ceremony with the flowers, learned from the flowers, and celebrated the vastness of communing with our world.
So by now you know some of my greatest passions are the studies of consciousness, disease and blocks, as well as healing intergenerational trauma.
I am purpose driven, and given my family history it was also about how to make things right with myself and my world. One of my teachers said once, if your Grandfather cut off someone’s head with an ax, the consequences will visit you. Some Native Americans say it will visit 7 generations back and 7 generations in the future.
I can tell you it is true. The violence of my lineage has visited me and all the positive thinking and pretty words would not get me free of the past. I do believe positive thoughts and language are important, however not the end all be all. Language is considered to have the lowers bandwidth of expression of all our senses.
About 9 years ago I had heard over the internet of a Clinical Psychologist from Hawaii, Dr. I’Haleakala Hew Len, who had healed the criminally insane and the ancient practice of Ho’oponopono. Now that perked my interest. I was very frightened travel and be in crowds at the time, and found out he was coming to Charlotte for a 2-day class. I was so excited to meet this man, and to hear his story. I traveled back and forth with a renewed spirit. One of the things he said first was “it is really hard to heal rape and murder”. I somehow felt relieved that such an amazing man said that to me, or at least I felt it was to me. As we journeyed with the basics, I knew my prayers were being answered. So many questions answered and a way to be 100% responsible and to make great headway. This is where my desire to learn and experience of the 3 selves was born. Every step I take is founded in the 3 selves and their expression. Here is where you can find his work Self Identity through Hooponopono - IZI LLC .
Being introduced to the principles of Ho’oponopono is a huge life changer, and quite an adventure in learning how to assume greater and greater responsibility. It was difficult at first in some areas of my life, and in the beginning triggered self judgement. And as I practiced more I felt such an amazing sense of freedom. Now I seek to get there with a great determination, and expectation of freedom and light.
I don’t always get my answers right away, and I can tell you with Ho’oponopono, much of the heaviness of my journey has lifted, and most of all the beginnings of trusting in myself, my life, and God has blazed a path for me to walk, as well as a great appreciation for this earth and her worlds. I would also say compassion and understanding of our struggles collectively has birthed from here. I recommend everyone take a class. When I had a coaching system that involved others, I made it a requirement.
I know in my heart, calling in this life, and this family, was not to punish me. My High Self called this in to bestow many gifts. I also came to understand my High Self was once a middle self and a low self, so the blueprint for my way through this life was within me. Now the question was how do I access this blueprint.
All the Holy Books speak of this path, yet before reading Max Freedom Long, I did not understand where I had really strayed. In the art of prayer and manifestation is that each one of our 3 selves have a specific function. Here is one example. We form a picture of our desire in our mind or middle self, then we pass it to our feeling body or low self, which sends it to our High Self for manifestation.
If we are not connected to our feeling body or aligned with our prayer it will not manifest. And there is usually a cluster of information that blocks that flow. That is the piece of this puzzle I love, finding the cluster of information and I must say I feel like an odd duck. Most people are terrified of this journey, and I am too at times. It is so much easier to do by healing my judgement, and seeing it as programming or clusters of information, recorded in my low self, which has not been blessed with discernment. I am reminded of information in “User Illusion” We are far greater than we imagine ourselves to be and within us is the greatest computer, with more information than every library in the world. Imagine. If this is within me, and I chose this life with all its challenges, I need to access this space. I knew I had to alter my approach and not work so hard, to understand the innate fear of the mental body to let go, and to build enough trust to let my High Self lead the way.
I feel so blessed to have chosen this life. It has been hard at times; however, the gifts are proportionate to the struggle.
I can remember when I was praying to find or discover what would keep my heart beating and without sounding corny, I knew it was love, but the package it came in was spiritually scrumptious for my soul.
God spoke to my heart and said “you are witnessing the reawakening of the Cherokee Nation and you are to…” hold a particular space. At the time I was doing some volunteer work for a very small group on researching their governing documents. Another life changer. When I would see a Native American, I would be struck with a sense of the greatness of their spirit. Later it has grown into the most immense love I have known. My heart fills with the beauty of their walk, their ability to be present, their love of community, and the deepest regret imaginable on how we stole their land, ripped their children away, tried to annihilate their culture, and the vast lies and deceit we used to get it. I honestly did not know or had ever felt the wounds and consequences of that great lie. It was the great American Genocide, killing more than 11,000,00 souls and I did not know.
I was invited because of some of my work to travel retrace the Trail of Tears with some Cherokee friends and acquaintances. It was a painful and difficult trip for all. It reminded me to continue to heal my own wounds and see and feel their victory. I was absolutely horrified to witness the consequences of how this country was founded and all the broken agreements we had made and how we had just left them to “get over it”.
This is how we are trained to be with “otherness”. If it is different from us, let’s cut it out, imprison it, keep it away…. That is what we do with wild animals, pests, homosexuality, different cultures, religions and even disease. I have witnessed more than my share of friends who have had their tongues cut out, lymph nodes, breasts, and limbs.
It is a trait of our humanness that is screaming to be healed. I have to come back to, all I can do is to heal those traits within myself, yet my heart hopes together we find a way to come back into balance and honor all life.
If disease and patterns are just consciousness, learning to be with my feelings even the darker is one of my priorities. I wonder why are we not taught how to be with them. It is truly magical when I am brave enough to feel my darker feelings, and not judge them they are transformed within minutes or days into a greater love. A closeness to God and all life.
Until I learn to be present to my humanness, all of it, not judge it, learn to love it will I experience the magic of being human and the love I am capable of.
This is the conversation I love and am engaged in. Finding easier way to love my humanness and how to set my inner child/genius free. My “Inner Child” is creating my life as it is just without my awareness in many places. I guess the magic began to open after so many disappointments that were created by my attachments to how it looked or was supposed to look. Sometimes I feel God has used the “Missouri Wear Em Down Technique” to get this ole gal to know the wonder of surrender and letting go. I have such a long way to go, and am so very blessed to be alive.
As I began to crawl out of bed after a year, wondering what else I could try, I found a book in my library on black salves. It really is a testimonial of the power of herbs, most of which can be found in our kitchen or my back yard. I still had a lot of swelling in my thyroid area, and my lymph nodes were like purple peas and the pressure in my head almost unbearable. I had heard it was painful and was not prepared for how much pain I would go through. When I first started applying the mixture, I thought this will be a cake walk. Ha! This mixture too will not react unless there is cancer, and it is so strong it will pull it out of the skin. I had read once you start, you should not stop until finished or you can possible aggravate the cancer and cause it to grow.
The only place it reacted was my thyroid area, lymph and head. I did not complete the application because of the pain. First round I sat at the house for 3 weeks and rocked back and forth all day. That is all I could do. I did decide to get acupuncture. He was a gentle soul and most horrified at how my neck looked and alarmed he could not find a pulse. The first couple of days, just some redness, then blisters, then….. Here is a pic of the first few days.
So now I was getting a bit scared. I just checked my records. I attempted to complete the cleanse 3 times. I am going to share some pictures of all stages. There was no scarring.
The rest I will display as a slideshow.
These pictures were from October 2013-January 2014. Three attempted tries to complete.
I was freaked out; I began to experience a lot of pain in one spot in my head. I had had a lot of pressure in my head since about 2005 which kept getting worse. I never knew what that was about and when the pain became localized in one spot deep within my brain with a lot of pain. I went back to bed for several months. The pain in my head was immense. Living in the woods by myself and finding a way through this was a blessing in a way. I just had a chance to deal with my own fears, and my own inner conversations. I have a few friends that hung in there with me, most had disappeared long ago. Sometimes I feel my saving grace was being alone. I was faced with my own desire to live and be happy and change the hidden conversation. Plowing ahead, and learning how to rewrite my deepest conversations. Oh, and through all this I started going blind. I knew I had cataracts, and what I was not prepared for was how fast I was losing my vision, and how was I going to take care of myself? How would I drive. I was on food stamps, and money was in a trickle down mode, drip, drip, drip. I also lost my sense of color so my art work was a very sad loss. I eventually could only see about 6 inches in front of me.
Most people who know me just figured I would find my way through all this, and my confidence that I was going to make it was definitely challenged.
Some friends of mine in Cherokee invited me to bring some of my art to one of their fairs, and that was the beginning of a massive paradigm shift.
My table was next to an extraordinary soul and artist. An internationally known artist and the most magical woman I have met this lifetime. Little did I know in a few days she would say something that would save my life.
It has been a challenge for some of my friends, especially those that, even though they taught natural healing, would be the first to go to a Doctor or my friends who did not believe in anything other than allopathic medicine. I always found that a bit incongruent for those teachers and leaders in the natural healing industries, when pushed would never try out the things they taught. They are still out there posting cures for this and that, and when it comes to them go out and have that organ removed.
Last year I did have some teeth removed, one that had a root canal, and others because I had developed infection in my jaw bones. The root canal that had been abscessed for 12 years.
My choices are my choices, and I do not do what someone else tells me to do. The ones I do listen to or open to learn from are the people who walk their talk, period. Otherwise it is mental chatter, and I have enough of that going on.
Now back to the extraordinary woman I met. She came by my house a few days later. It was as if every time she opened her mouth Creator was teaching me; pearls of wisdom for my ravaged body and soul.
We started growing a friendship, and on one of her visits I opened up and showed her the pictures of my journey and shared my profound sadness that my journey seemed to be ending. One of the things that kept me alive was the thought of meeting my parents again. She laughed and assured me I had other relatives. I have reached many levels of forgiveness and understanding of their brokenness and seeing them was not anything I wanted to do.
So this is the big life changer. She began to share the teachings of her tribe on the Bear Clan and said I was Bear Clan. What opened for me was that I had chosen this path journeying through the causes of disease and learning from the plant kingdom. I know my words cannot do justice for this moment.
I had missed the mark by interpreting my situation through the lens of” what was I doing wrong?” and undermining my trust in my life, my choices and the magic of my life even though it was challenging at times. What she gave me in sharing the teachings of the Bear Clan, was a big picture of my journey and a moment to be in wonder of the orchestration of my life. I had experimented with many natural protocols, I had a quality of life that was extraordinary, I learned how to make some of the best tinctures in the world, I had developed a technology that provides a magical opportunity to change hidden dialogues, I had 2 years of ceremony, learning how to make flower essences and learned how to be taught by them, to hear plant medicine, to become closer to Creator and get clear on my priorities.
I am going to summarize what I feel kept this door open for over 20 years. I trusted my inner knowing I had chosen this life and chose my family. I believed the human body was magic and had the innate ability to heal and come into balance. I put myself in an environment where I could assume greater responsibility and had a few friends that I loved. I would seek what opened the energy for me and slow down and make different choices when the energy closed. I learned how to feel my feelings, especially the darker ones with little to no judgement so I could witness the magic of my inner healing machine, When I had exhausted everything I could think of I surrendered to my higher knowing on how to do what I came here to do this lifetime, and at this late stage, the energy opens, my hope is restored, and I continue to put one foot in front of the other. I am happier than I have ever been, and I know Creator is there for me. It has been a long haul, most magical and deeply spiritual and fulfilling.
I take many moments to discover what feeds my soul and develop distinctions on what is distraction and what is nurturing. Namaste.
I was using a lot of high grade essential oils on my leg, and this is the only place on my body that reacted. Thank God I did not put this stuff on my neck. I was using frankincense, helichrysum and lavender. My leg healed beautifully, however my concerns that it had spread either to my bones, blood or lymph became a great concern. Here is a pic of my leg healed.
I don’t remember how long it took to heal but my concerns did not heal. I was losing confidence and losing my battle. I guess that is why they call it the wisdom journey. It took this journey to give me the way to trust, commit and surrender that all is playing out in a divine way.
I have learned so very much on this journey. I have learned about herbs, and the plant kingdom. I did 2 years of ceremony and learned how to hear plant medicine and we created a line of essences called Soul Fire Flower Essences. They are magic, and not so subtle. Much of my time was spent in prayer. I delved deep into the consciousness piece with The Inner Alchemist. I felt most importantly grateful for all I had learned and somehow this did not feel like the right ending. Why would anyone go through all this and just get sick and die? I was really struggling to find the beauty in this moment.
At this time, I had just been introduced to an extraordinary teacher Dr. I’haleakala Hew Len. I had heard about him on the internet as a man that healed the criminally insane without speaking to them. That perked me up all over. Wow how would I ever be able to travel and meet him. He was the first man I was willing to move heaven and earth to meet since coming to these hills. Wow, imagine someone walking their talk to a degree that could and would produce such miracles.
About a week later I found out he was coming to Charlotte North Carolina in a few weeks. I began preparing for what was to become a huge life altering event and meeting. Charlotte is just 3 hours from where I live. I was too traumatized to stay in a hotel overnight so I commuted over the next few days. I will share more next week.
When I got entangled with all the hopes and fears about my health and diagnosis, my sense of “time is of the essence” kicked in. I started scouring the internet to find remedies and protocols that had somewhat of a proven track record. Immediately I was overwhelmed with the vast amount of information and everybody having some kind of cure even if they had only healed a few patients.
First let me say I do not believe there is just one cure for cancer. I do not believe in a special potion that is going to fix it. I feel any chronic or life threatening diagnosis is a journey or as I have heard it a “Wisdom Journey” and is very sacred. It is a time to be in touch with your deepest wounds and dreams. It is a time of release, and it is so very important to choose a treatment protocol that you believe in, and feels right. I have a dear friend who had cancer and she was versed in nature’s medicine. When she was praying she saw herself bald and knew she was to take the chemo. She inspires me to this day. She did great. I have heard of people envisioning their chemo as violet light and their lives’ were saved.
I am and was willing risk my life walking down this road and I wanted to pick something that had a proven track record. I had found the Sam Biser set of videos and manual and immersed myself. I studied over and over the 1,000-page manual through the years. I learned how to make my own medicine, ordered the best herbs in the country and started the incurables cleanse.
This is quite an undertaking to do by yourself. I am amazed I was able to pull it off. I did this cleanse 2 ½ times over the years and it always helped, however I never reached the tipping point. In fact, the last time I did the cleanse I got my memory back about the KKK hanging while doing one of the hot/cold showers. In hindsight I see at that moment being healthy and regaining my health got wired into pain unlike anything I had seen to that date. This is one of many hidden conversations that kept the disease process going.
Trauma usually gets wired into a moment of aspiration or desire. Something good gets wired into pain. If we are not aware that has happened every time we go to manifest that something we desire it triggers an unconscious response to keep the desire away to keep us safe from pain. Desire (whatever the desire was at the moment of trauma) equals pain. Until we rewrite that conversation the pattern takes on a life of its own.
I have had many friends and teachers through the years who put everyone on cleanses immediately upon receiving a challenging diagnosis. My experience is unless you do this the right way it can be very costly.
Looking back over the last 20 years with my challenge I wish I had approached everything less reactive, not start with all those supplements. I feel I threw my body’s chemistry out of whack completely, and started with systematically cleansing first the colon, then liver and gallbladder while keeping my colon moving, then kidneys.
I think one of the most important things to do no matter what road you walk down is to make sure you do a colon cleanse, and enemas. When you start dumping toxins they have to have an escape route. Did you know the average person has about 9 pounds of fecal matter in their intestines?
All my cleanses are with foods these days, along with good quality food and juices.
I wanted to share two links that are amazing in treating cancer and great quality supplements
Google “ Inner Child Meditation” by Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len, for tremendous support emotionally and physically and spiritually.
No matter what path you choose, these resources are a powerful source of information.
I can remember studying in the 90’s with an extraordinary teacher and he would talk about some of the findings about root canals and disease. He said all root canals should be pulled and are lethal. I didn’t pay a lot of attention initially.
With all of this I was starting to have dental issues. I had a root canal done with a filler called Biocalix. I had a bad Dr., he filled it and when it expanded my tooth split in my jaw. It had to be removed and I was in the process of having it replaced with an implant. During this time, I was doing the Incurables Cleanse again, and that is when I got my memory about the KKK hanging. I was shattered with this memory. I have no words to describe what this was like. There is an old saying that says we heal from the least intense to the most intense. I shuddered at the thought this could ever get any worse. A couple of months after this memory surface I did hear a special interview on NPR where they talked about during the 50’s and 60’s how families would gather during these hangings. Imagine the catastrophic effect this had on the children. I can remember trying to save this man in my little capacity as a 7-year-old girl. I can remember be beaten to a pulp and also the look in this man’s eyes before his death. Honestly, I did not know who to turn to on this one. Because of my dental stuff I had researched a minister who had a dental ministry named Dr. Willard Fuller. He lived in Florida. I called and set up an appointment to meet with him for an hour a few days later.
Wow he was an amazing man. To me he was the first white medicine man I had met. I also returned several months later to be ordained by him. We talked about my thyroid tumor, my family history, this shocking memory, and he was so very kind, gentle and nonjudgmental. He hugged me and I just sobbed. He said he thought my cancer was caused by my root canals and gave me the book “Root Canal Cover Up” and I drove back.
I started reading the book and was elated and horrified at the same time. I prayed that night on whether I should have another tooth pulled that had a root canal. When I woke up the next morning there was a pair of pliers laying on the book. I went to the surgeon and insisted and he refused. He said it did not need to be pulled. I got a 2nd opinion and he said it did not need to be removed. I insisted. I had the tooth pulled and the surgeon thanked me for being so insistent. He said it had been abscessed for over 8 years. I guess they did not do something right. I got an infection that went into my brain and was in bed for over 6 weeks. The surgeon told me he did not think I was going to make it.
Root Canal Cover Up George E. Meinig
Bacteria trapped inside the structure of teeth migrate throughout the body. They may infect any organ, gland, or tissue and can damage the heart, kidneys, joints, eyes, brain, and endanger pregnant women. Learn how these infections were discovered by Weston A. Price, DDS in a 25 year Root Canal Research Program which was carried out under the auspices of the American Dental Association, and were subsequently covered-up.
After I crawled out of bed, my love of plant medicine flourished. I continued to make my own tinctures, studied the greats, and began studying some of the indigenous herbalists, and had some profound conversations with some of the Cherokees that lived close by.
I began going on walks in the woods and began studying more from nature.
I was still working on the consciousness piece through all this, and stayed busy creating, studying and supporting my body coming back into balance and expanding my understanding of disease and its origins.
Our traditional approach to healing PTSD is not very effective. For me I was given a death sentence early on. I was more fearless back then, bolder, and I had a sense this is what I came here to do, so I must be able to. Well……………………………….This has been really hard, and really intense.
I would learn a technology and push the envelope to see what worked for me. I can remember one course of study, which was profound, was about altering my language and consequently would alter my reality. I was rigorous and so was a small band of fellow journeyers. At the end of 2 years I was half dead, my best friend died and we somehow continued to live in the delusion we were here to lead the poor humans out of their darkness. I did not understand back then that the subconscious had to be congruent with the rest of me to work.
I gave it all up and I moved into the woods. I was spent, whooped and lost. I knew I needed a radical shift. My health was in jeopardy and my spirit too.
The doctors that worked with me early on said “your radar is so broken if you like someone, run”. Historically I had seemingly made bad choices for myself. That is how I felt moving into the woods. I had tried the best I could all my tools, and felt so very broken. I had taken a simple holistic test for cancer and tested positive. My thyroid was huge and I was very frightened.
A friend of me had gotten me in touch with an extraordinary Naturopath who confirmed it was a suspect tumor, and put me on a cleanse. I had never done one to this degree before. I was taking a thousand dollars’ worth of great products and starting puking and pooping blood within 24 hours. That didn’t make me feel anything other than terrified. I laid on the floor for days hugging the john. My inner conversation was something like, we are in a heap of sh-t of trouble. I pushed on. Underneath the fear, I knew it was caused by me, my consciousness, and that had to be addressed as well.
I reached out for help and was introduced to the teachings of one of my greatest heroes, Joseph Scogna. It was really peculiar in that I had a 5 hour session with someone on the phone and I understood. I knew his work, in my soul. I had never experienced anything like it. My world began to shift into a more empowered approach and one that also fostered a lot of self-trust.
When I was about 14 ½ I had gotten pregnant by one of my Dad’s best friends. I had no memory of this incident until I was in Arizona in the early 90’s. That memory surfaced while I was at home with some treasured friends. Donald was a friend (so greater than that) and a psychologist. He was amazing with me and so was his wife, Lynne. I was tricked into a forced saline abortion at 7 ½ months pregnant. I was bound during the procedure and my boy was alive until he was disposed of. What I remembered at that time shattered me, although in hindsight I think I was already shattered. This moment shaped me as a woman. Mom and Dad confirmed it, in fact they said that was why we moved to Europe. Dad had a senate appointed position with the NSA and my pregnancy jeopardized his job on many levels, so off we went to England.
It is so interesting to me, that while in England and for the rest of my adult life I had no memory of this incident until I was around 43. This incident is so related to my bad health.
This was a very difficult moment to talk about, and to try to relive. I could no longer bury it.
I went to a big convention of oilers. We were there to learn about emotional healing with essential oils. We were going to give and receive a session. I think there were over 300 people there. On my way to Utah I committed to go for it, and what I mean by that is to be raw vulnerable and heal with 125% of all that I am.
This might sound very strange. When it was my turn and I got on the table, I looked at the wonderful ladies getting ready to journey with me and I was concerned if I went for it they would not be able to hold the space. Suddenly Christ appeared at the end of my table and let me know I was covered. I took a breath and let go. They anointed me with oils, and I went back to the moment I lost my son. The grief and anguish caused me to wail in an earth shattering way. I went with my feelings. I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it. The next thing I knew the founder was anointing my forehead then my pelvic region with oils. I could feel much of the heaviness leave. He knew what I was reliving and was impeccable in holding the space.
I felt so very much better. It was disruptive for others, I overheard some of the facilitators talking about how it interfered with the others. I felt bad. I do not think he has ever taught another one of those classes.
That brings me back to the new empowered way I was learning to re-experience some of my memories. This is my interpretation of the great work of Joseph Scogna.
For every emotional trauma we experience, which is like an electrical charge, we have to have an equal and proportionate discharge or it stays trapped in our bodies. Getting present to moments where many things get wired in together, untangling them so to speak frees up huge quantities of energy. The trapped energy or trauma, cannot be released until we go back and get present to it, then the light held there is released. His approach allowed a window to freeze frame the memory so all the information can be untangled. He found a way to find a moment where there is less resistance than anything I had ever experienced.
When I moved to the mountains, I began doing his sessions on myself and I did 183 days in a row of sessions on losing my child. I was getting so much lighter about it. That trauma was beginning to heal and I was able to begin to retrieve parts of myself long buried.
Another important lesson I learned from him was because of the calcium in our physical make up, a trauma it is like a big flash of light or as I fondly called them atomic moments and forms a pathway on how we run energy every time we experience something similar to the trauma. I have found that is true of my poor amygdala too. There are some great articles on how with PTSD our amygdala gets set on high and we can create a very intense lifestyle that burns us out on many levels. What I loved so much about Joe’s approach was that instead of experiencing things through the lens of what am I doing wrong? it was a matter of physics.
I did a rites of passage in these beautiful mountains during an overnight ceremony and there was a great thunderstorm with lots of lightening. I took shelter in a barn and laid down on some decking and watched the lightening. It occurred to me that in order to heal those atomic moments, rewire those hidden conversations, we had to experience light, or have a light moment of equal magnitude to the trauma to change the physics of how we run energy.
I often love going to Hot Springs, magical healing springs here in North Carolina. It is most peculiar, when I sit in this water I have visions. I was particularly sad when I set off for a soak. It was time for me to move on from Joe’s work and I was lost.
True to the moment the soak was full of wisdom and insight. In that afternoon I was given (I truly feel like the care keeper) of “The Philosopher’s Stone” at least the seed of it. It was many years tweaking it, loving it and incorporating the magic of the 3 selves, producing miracles and moments of healing. People sometimes get unnerved at the depth and ease of finding out why things are occurring the way they are.
I had a wonderful conversation with Creator a while back when I was down, and experiencing some sad times, and He said there are thousands of people on the earth right now that were “pathfinders”. Their job is to carve new pathways into the consciousness of man. That is there job, and many of them are tired, and giving up, because they are experiencing everything through the lens of what am I doing wrong, and I thought I have already healed that. He took me on the most delightful journey experiencing some of my accomplishments and the importance of the work many of us have come to do.
Are you a “pathfinder”.
Could it be we are programmed to not feel, and numb out because we are afraid we can’t heal our deeper wounds? Anyway that was true for me. I can see over the 35 years I was gaining experience and trust that I could heal those wounds and that I would not be swallowed up in an uncontrollable fury of negativity. For the longest time I felt tainted by my past, dirty and full of shame.
There are a couple of perspectives that have saved my butt and allowed me opportunities to reinvent myself and to push thorough resistant thought forms. One of them is to switch focus from “what am I doing wrong?” to “what is the teaching?”. I have found patterns repeat themselves until you get the teaching or the teaching gets you. Where I am coming from on this is that when we judge our actions as wrong, it indicates an intolerance to make mistakes, and it freezes up the energy.
Our subconscious makes our choices and it has been proven that by the time we are conscious of something it is already in the past by ½ a second. (Tor Norretranders “User Illusion; Cutting Consciousness Down to Size”). We can still use discernment on our choices, and this is a revolutionary conclusion. Our subconscious, makes our choices, and records 11,000,000 bits of information per second. That is a massive amount of information. I remember when I started to work on myself in these here woods, I would pick an issue and uncover 100 more. It was endless. I read this book 9 years ago and it revolutionized my approach, healing and success. It is heavy reading at places and so worth it.
Think about it, we have within us a magical computer, capable of processing huge amounts of information, more information than every library in the world combined. A wizard at problem solving.
However, we have been taught for 2,000 years to fear that part of ourselves. It is home to all our feelings, it runs our bodies and its systems, and it is powerful and unpredictable. I studied Max Freedom Long for years, and one of his approaches was that we had to make friends with that part of ourselves. Part of our job on our earth journey is to elevate our feelings, and that cannot be done being fearful or disconnected from our feelings. As spiritual beings having this human experience we sort through the lens of spiritual, lofty, generous as opposed to base, dark and wrong and evil. And as spiritual beings we don’t feel it is ok, or right to go there. And that is the separation we came to heal. The roles of the subconscious are a very specific, and for now I will just share that is the place where we hear spirit.
Each person has areas in their life where thy trust and connect to our magical healing machine, and many areas where they don’t. that is usually where we have experienced pain or trauma. That trauma forms a knot or cluster of information that blocks that part of ourselves from doing its job. And that is where patterns get locked in until we become aware of that cluster and unwind it and rewrite that conversation.
I was talking to a friend the other day and remarked that I felt our greatest challenge was not to be afraid of our feelings. If you look out to the world that is the reflection, we are getting back. The world is indeed more polarized than ever, and is out-picturing our inner polarization
What we resist persists. If you think about the law of attraction, what we put our attention on we create. We are never taught that we have a part of ourselves that can get locked onto a bunch of conversations that can be convoluted and painful. When we resist something we are putting a tremendous amount of energy avoiding feeling those things, thus feeding those feelings, only we are not aware that we are doing it. The subconscious has no discernment and it records everything. We have placed our salvation on our “mental bodies or conscious minds” which when compared to our subconscious is a “tin god” as it can only process very small amounts of information: 16 bits of information per second as compared to our subconscious which processes 11,000,000 bits of information per second. This was a colossal paradigm shift for me and a huge doorway to coming into the light so to speak and transforming some of my intergenerational trauma.
Eight years ago I set out to make friends with that part of myself I call my inner child or subconscious. Part of my focus was to become more aware of my hidden conversations so I could heal them or rewrite them. I cannot change what I cannot see or be aware of.
Another perspective that was a paradigm shift was twofold for me. First, my greatest weakness held my greatest strengths. Whatever I perceived in myself as a weakness held the seed or doorway to my greatest strengths.
I can remember when I moved to Arizona, being around people was terrifying. Thinking back on some of those times I felt like I was almost going into shock in certain circumstances. As I inched along in my healing speaking in front of groups sent me into terror, and communicating anything in that space was impossible. So when I learned to explore these moments from they held my greatest strengths I began to look forward to being a clear communicator and feeling safe in crowds. The first one has happened, not so much feeling safe in crowds, and that one is much better.
I have wrestled with sharing a lot of details about my childhood because it is so very dark. I am going to share the crowd trauma. My father was from Tuscaloosa Alabama. His father was a machinist, and also a member of the KKK. His mother was a very broken woman and in and out of mental institutions. When I was around 7 years old my Grandmother said, I am taking you to a party. I got very excited. We pulled up to what looked like a picnic. It was a KKK hanging. I did not get that memory back until 9 years ago.
I was in the middle of the “Incurables Cleanse” in the shower and began to relive this memory. It answered so many questions. My love of African Americans, and weird encounters with the prejudice of whites going to college at the University of Alabama in the late 60’s, my terror of crowds and parties would leave me with a desire to run for my life.
I also live from the place of all this is my creation, and have felt this way for a very long time. Why I created a life like this has been rather mysterious and occasionally I am filled with insights. There is a lot of freedom to be experienced by living from here. Being a victim can’t really survive long in this space, and a whole lot of compassion is birthed here. I often ponder as I move through these traumas is if I created this, I must have the strength and wherewithal to get through it.
So create a supportive environment, make friends with your feelings, identify your strengths, and this next step will cut through more programming than you ever imagined, years of caca fall away and you don’t have to work so hard. Yes, my path has led me to the 3 selves and their roles because it is the only thing that has made sense. It has pulled everything together for me and brought tremendous understanding and the creation of a beautiful and magical life. My life, spiritually is rich beyond measure and knowing I chose this life to fulfill a promise, and to help heal a very broken lineage.
OK, so our higher expression, our super conscious self has evolved through all stages of our consciousness. It has been a subconscious self, a conscious self so it holds within itself the map or blueprint on how to do this dance, with greater ease and effectiveness than you will ever be able to achieve by doing it any other way.
This was an inner revolution for me. I have worked intensely this lifetime and when I started exploring this concep things definitely got a whole lot easier. I was so far down the rabbit hole I did not think I could pull myself out. I couldn’t, and in the act of surrender I started to get well physically and the door opened for creating from a different place.
Healing Unthinkable Trauma
I am writing this, not because of all my successes, but to share the places I fell seeking spaces in this world where I could heal. I found many great opportunities presented themselves by the questions I learned to ask myself. After a long haul, upping the ante on my commitment to heal and live has led to profound moments to explore, forgive, heal and touch God.
I am a 66-year-old woman who has lived a very reclusive life for the last 20 years in the mountains of Western North Carolina. This part of my journey has been filled with magic, ceremony, blessings beyond words, profound friendships, and a deep communion with the plant kingdom. My search has been to find doorways to my deepest belief that the human body is a healing machine, capable of healing anything and that its natural state is one of homeostasis, and that was its job. Philosophically I believed miracles are to be expected and that all disease is just consciousness. What an amazing and intense journey this has been.
My life has given me many opportunities to discover what opens and closes the doors of my heart. I wouldn’t trade my life for anyone’s, and yet I would not wish my journey on anyone either. Moments of glory were the result of intense and sometimes frightening episodes, emotionally and physically, and yet I remain vertical (most of the time) with a good quality of life.
Thirty-five years ago I went into therapy and realized I had a 16 year memory loss. It is funny, looking back I never thought about my childhood. My memories or thoughts always began from the time we moved to England in 1967.
I remember myself as a wild child, bold, adventurous, promiscuous, and seemingly fearless. My relationships were very short lived, shallow, unfulfilling and sexually oriented. Not much depth. I decided to find out how to fix that so I could meet my soul mate and live happily ever after.
Getting my memory back shattered all my known realities, and it took me almost 25 years to process just 5 memories out of 16 missing years. A classic journey thru PTSD, and finding the allopathic system and approach not very effective. My sister was diagnosed with catastrophic PTSD and she only remembers a few things. That feels like a good description for me. The doctors that worked with me at the beginning of my journey said I should count my blessings I was not multiple personality, dead or in jail, they said I would never recover or trust again. My family of origin were badly broken as human beings and my childhood is full of rape, incest, murder and torture.
So here is what I was faced with, how to regain my memory, and free up my energy to create a kinder and gentler life.
The shrink that worked with me gave me this example. If I were given let’s say 100 units of mental energy a day to create my life, what percentage of that energy was I using to repress my childhood. Instantly I felt about 80%. The docs also gave me no hope of recovery. They drugged me up and I wrestled with being suicidal for years and experienced frequent dramatic flashbacks. I was also wrongly diagnosed with temporal lobe epilepsy from beatings as a child. I found being so highly medicated it undermined what little self-confidence I had. I felt defeated and without much hope.
The most important next steps were to find an environment that supported my healing. At the time I was selling high end real estate. I would get a memory back and literally be unable to move for days. I would have flashbacks and find myself in some interesting situations. I did not understand at that time when you regain or retrieve those memories you relive them with the same capacity you had when the trauma occurred. And I certainly had not learned the art of releasing these memories. In the beginning it was terrifying, and each memory that surfaced took about 5 years to process. It was difficult for me to be a good friend during these times and relationships went out the window. I stayed in this healing model for 2 years.
This form of treatment offended my soul. It did not make any sense to me on how this approach could ever help me heal. I believe I chose my family and my journey and I also believe I came here to heal this. I basically decided they were messing with my soul and embarked on the adventure of finding tools that worked and to begin to rewrite my personal history. I was committed and determined. I knew with great certainty this was my path.
I moved across country and met an extraordinary group of people that believed you could heal anything, live forever, through a commitment to life and each other. The people I met there still hold a very special love in my heart. My time with them challenged every preconceived belief of what was possible, and approached death and disease as programming that we could change.
Chronic illness is common with people with PTSD (just found this out) and I have struggled over the last 20 years with many physical challenges. At the onset of my serious physical challenges, I made a choice to not go to a doctor, I felt my chances of making it were greater on my own trusting my commitment to live along with my dogged determination to heal myself. Because of a horrendous trauma with a doctor, initially I couldn’t go get help, 20 years later it was one of the most important choices I could have made.
I spent time with several communities during my 9 years in Arizona, each challenging most belief systems I held and fed and uncovered some foundational principles I had to become aware of to heal and find my passion.
I learned ancient ceremonies, cutting edge technologies, and each one peeled away layers of my past. I felt it was imperative to live in environments that fed my deep knowing I could heal. I found lots of things that worked, and failed more times than I can count.
I went to a workshop in Phoenix and while there did an exercise with a partner, saying loving and empowering thoughts as they sat with their eyes closed. A man started cackling, laughing and it triggered rage in me. I knew it was a past memory and yet found it impossible to say loving or empowering things while in that state. I went to the seminar leader and said I couldn’t and he sent me to the other seminar leader to sort me out. He looked me in the eyes and the first thing he said was “are you willing to forgive all the people who raped you?” I started trembling and said YES!
The door to my deepest work opened and led me to the mountains of Western North Carolina where I have been for the past 20 years.
To wrap this entry up I want to share it was so important for me to create an environment where my friends and loved ones would see me on the other side of my issue, healed and victorious, and hold the space for my successful healing. This was no easy task.
I tend to review my journey through the eyes of what worked and what didn’t, and weave in the steps that opened my energy and heart. One of my greatest passions has been putting it all together in this kick butt approach to untangling blocks and freeing up the energy that gets trapped by not knowing how to release trauma. Learning how build trust with knowing I won’t disintegrate if I revisit these old traumas, how to access the magic of my humanness and witness horrific traumas transform in hours and days. This has taken me 35 years to learn how to do. It took 30 years to process 5 incidents. In the last few years I have gotten years of memories back with an understanding of how to hold that space for myself. As these old traumas morph, I have been left with many gifts, renewed courage and a greater capacity to love.
I have found every challenge, no matter how difficult is brought to me by my higher expression bearing great gifts. It took me years to find the power of switching my focus from, what did I do wrong? to what is the teaching?
It is my hope and my prayer by sharing some of my journey it can help even one person facing healing PTSD and unthinkable trauma. Unfortunately, we (as human beings) are not trained on how to deal with our darker feelings. For centuries we have been taught to be positive and to get over it.
I am going to post to my blog, Monday Wednesday and Friday.