More lessons from the tooth fairy. I apologize for not posting. I am having internet challenges traveling to Mexico.
I have not shared much about the intense and sometimes grave moments in this healing process. Endeavoring to to treat it like a speed bump and alas I was disconnecting from inner child.
Sometimes I just keep pushing through things from a willful place and am negligent in the tender and caring moments with myself.
So here is how it unfolded.
I went to have a glass of wine the evening before with a treasured friend. I had had insomnia for weeks. I still had to pack. Watched TV fell asleep without setting alarm and had to leave house at 1:30 AM.
Woke up at 2 AM and rushed around and packed Ran out at 2:30 for a 2 hour drive to the airport.
Got to the airport with 45 minutes to spare, going through TSA check,and left car in car in long term parking. Ran to get phone, made it to gate as we were boarding. I was in a full blown panic attack and drenched.
My first stop was Chicago. While on the plane I wondered what all this resistance and distraction was about....
First trip to Mexico had 5 abscesses, 5 root canals, 5 crowns and a bridge. 27 hours in the chair, and found a dentist I could trust. It was intense and had no pain medication except Novocaine and Motrin. I loved my dentist, and had my first experience of a Doctor working on me with a deep sense of love and attention to detail. He was a lil rough with the shots though.
Got home and began treating my infections with natural remedies, and boy was I in rough shape. I was told it would take up to a year to get my immune system to deal with all this infection.
75 days later, starting to feel better, could easily count to 50 again, starting to feel inspired with my art work. My spirits were lifting.
One morning I was eating a piece of toast and a front tooth broke off below the gum line. It had had a root canal and a crown from first trip to Mexico.
I called the dentist and arranged to be there in 3 days for emergency extraction. Off to Mexico again.
The first trip was incredibly intense and I managed. This trip nearly killed me. This was the most pain I have ever experienced and I sucked it up and kept going. I had the extraction, and a bone graft.
Stitched up I went home and went on another round of antibiotics. This bone graft (which is mt 3rd) was excruciating, and became seriously infected after the antibiotics. 2 weeks in bed treating my mouth with oils.
I was treating my jaw every 10 minutes all day, for 6 days and it healed. Then back to mexico to get another bridge.
Back to my plane ride to Chicago. I meditated and realized my inner child had dug her heals in, felt terribly neglected and not on board with another trip to the dentist. Enough pain. Did my inner work, and within an hour I was experiencing a big shift, a happy shift full of understanding, and being more relaxed than I could remember. Got to Chicago and 6:14 am and felt like a huge Chicago Hot Dog with onions and mustard and a bag of chips. Best breakfast I have ever had.
The lesson about the power of disconnection, and the power of reconnecting is a life lesson I will never forget.
I feel like such an infant in this journey with my 3 selves. I know it is eternal. I feel like I turned a powerful corner, learned a lot and was blessed with lots of energy and love. A new trust awakened. This stuff really works.
Yesterday they ground my teeth and took impressions so today I have the day off in Yuma. Oy is it hot. 99 degrees at 10 AM. Too hot to swim.
My quest this round has been; what has to be in place to make things right, to manifest my dreams, to unleash my authenticity, and to serve Creator. The same as most of us.
Because of the many years it took to process my history, inter-generational trauma, and get a handle on my chronic physical stuff, sometimes pressure is cumulative. When that happens I get soul weary. The advice I get most is be grateful, count your blessings and stay away from negativity. There is truth to that, yet when I am overloaded and overwhelmed I have to have a way of discharging my energy. I definitely do not feel heard in those situations.
If a person is balanced, centered and aligned, gratitude will open the energy. Feeling heard and not judged is a WOWZA moment. Magical just hearing myself witnessed by someone else can be most magical.
I spend a lot of time alone so I do not always have someone around who is gifted in this art of listening. I love listening for the beauty of a person in front of me and letting them discharge. One of the most profound tools I have ever explored.
Once I get present to what is really going on with me, it is so much easier to elevate that conversation. I can remember one of my teachers said, you are into self sabotage. That was a strange response to me. I replied of course I am, and if I could see it or feel it I could change it.
That is why I have found the teachings on the 3 selves so amazingly helpful. They have allowed me to understand the importance of not judging myself so much. To experience
how magical transformation can be and it is so much easier.
I can remember a moment where I was being facilitated through an old trauma. It is on film and still powerful today. He asked me what I was feeling and I replied "terrified". He said no you are not. I think my eyes glazed over because I was not relaxed. He said you are terrified of feeling you terror. If you can be fully present to your feelings, they will transform in minutes. Something clicked. I experience my terror, and within moment I could feel it leaving and in it's place a sense for profound forgiveness and a space of magical and easy healing.
So then began one of my greatest passionate inquiries. Learning how to be present to what I feel, letting go of judgement, and allow the magic of being human to grow.
The distinctions I have shared on the 3 selves were life changers for me. The resolved the seemingly mysterious answers I had sought on why my ability to manifest was sometimes so challenging.
A large portion of my life is spent in communion with nature, and I am often horrified at our current stance on taking care of our Earth. In fact I am horrified as to what is happening politically. I heard a politician say the other day a remarkably profound insight into our current reality. We must heal our inner divisiveness as the best way to deflect the intruders hacking into our countries political worlds. Putin or Trump cannot make us hate each other, rip children from mothers arms and separate families for months or forever, destroy the earth and enable extinction of our glorious wildlife. We are creating this, through our past apathy and by not assuming responsibility, often by not knowing where to begin. It must begin with each of us looking within to heal our inner divisiveness.
I believe our current political environment is one of the most profound wake up calls the earth has afforded us. This is a tie to make things right on every level. That will not be possible by hating the otherness of others. Maybe that is not just about hatred of others, maybe that is a function of consciousness. Check this out.
From User Illusion, Tor Norreanders
Coming to consciousness (an identity appears around 3) means a rupture in continuity, the emergence of a divide between Self and Other. With the thought a new level of existence opens up for us.
It is not a painless process. Winnicot suggested that one could interpret children’s use of teddy bears as transitional objects between the inside and the outside. To smooth the passage between the self and the rest of the world, children use comforters and teddy bears. Later on, more advanced things take over: art, religion, alcohol, pills and books. The fundamental angst arising from the idea that we are separated from the world is dulled by whatever means we can find.
In his remarkable book Coming to our Senses, Morris Berman employs this childhood separation as the key to understanding why we deny our own body and the feelings we register in it. For when we distinguish between our self and the rest of the world a conflict arises: how do they relate to each other” We may den the existence of our consciousness (and experience an ecstatic sense of oneness with the world by forgetting ourselves), or we can deny the existence of the outside world and its differentness, allowing the consciousness and the subconscious to rule without being contradicted.
The distinction between self and differentness becomes a recurrent theme in history. We learn to distinguish between friend and foe, tame and wild, worldly and heavenly. The more or less desperate attempt to keep alive the idea that we posses control over ourselves I manifested in nations states and standing armies.( which arose at the same time as the mirror and self-consciousness).
The real drama is the inner conflict: you are a person with a body, but you do not want to acknowledge that body, for it is uncontrollable, weird and revolting. What really terrifies us is everything you (consciousness) cannot control.
The result of this denial is a feeling of intense emptiness, and inner disturbance that constantly needs compensating for with transitional objects. Everything uncontrollable is a threat to the mental consciousness, and we seek to eradicate it through intensive use of pesticides, zoos, and television. We have got to get the different under control, for” the mere idea of an outside is the real source of angst.
Nuclear holocaust is really a scientific vision of utopia, in which the world is finally expunged of the messy, organic, and unpredictable-by being wiped out-purified. Suicide, whether on the political, environmental or personal level, is the ultimate (and most effective) solution to the problem of otherness. Examples include not only nuclear war but the extermination of the Jews, homosexuals, and other minorities by the Nazis, the way modern households exterminate spiders and tame wild animals as pets. We shall solve it all, destroy any vestige of wild, disorganized Other entirely, so that Self now reigns supreme in a pure, dead and totally predictable world.” Berman.
More teachings inspired by"User Illusion" by Tor Norreanders
Many advanced activities can he carried out automatically, without summoning awareness. A learning period is required. We can render our skills automatic, but we have to practice first.
That is why repetitive actions and exercises are so vital in learning or revving up our skill levels for a particular task or form of expression.
People’s ability to develop skills in specialized situations is so great that it may never be possible to define limits on our capacity.
When you have acquired a skill to a degree that it has become automatic, you can process very large quantities of information without your consciousness being involved. A good example is driving in traffic.
Repetition can be used to build trust and our connection to the subconscious. Ghandi spun wool: chanting, mantras, and ceremony are also good examples.
Children love repetition, because it allow them to relive the real drama of the text: the stimulation of information in the listener’s head. Again and again they can imagine the prince and the princess. They can think their way to what is going on in the story.
Fairy tales train attractors, meaning magnets, notions that draw stories into them. The child learns a whole range of basic plots, learns the significance of heroes and villains, helpers and opponents, action and wisdom.
We do not sense, then experience, and then simulate, interpret assess, and surmise.
We sense, simulate, and then experience. Sometimes we sense and simulate, and then act, because there was not enough time to experience first.
That is the lesson of the visual illusions: sense, simulate, and only then experience. A very radical lesson.
The bandwidth of language is very small. 50 bits/ or less. As language and thought are capable of filling up our consciousness completely, the capacity of consciousness cannot be greater than that of language. The capacity of consciousness is very small. This figure is very small compared to the volume of information we take in through our senses, about 11 million bits per second.
This means that our actions in the world must necessarily be based on a mass of information that enters through our senses but never reaches our consciousness.
Consciousness cannot tell itself about this subliminal perception precisely because it is subliminal. A discarding of information and thereby an interpretation of sensory input has taken place long before it reaches consciousness. Most of our mental life takes place unconsciously, not only as the result of repression but as a normal way of functioning.
This means that our actions in the world must necessarily be based on a mass of information that enters through our senses but never reaches our consciousness.
Does creating consciousness also take time: Does discarding most of the sensory information before we experience also take time?
So if consciousness takes time it must constantly lag behind.
We experience the world in a delay. This of course allows us time to keep track of all the illusions and solve all the binding problems.
What we experience is a lie, because we do not experience the fact that our conscious experience lags behind.
Our actions begin unconsciously. Our consciousness is not the initiator unconscious processes are.
Our consciousness claims that it makes the decisions that it is the cause of what we do. But our consciousness is not even there when the decision is made. It lags behind, but it does not tell us that.
It tells us we can decide on what we do. Yet it is apparently a mere ripple on the surface, a little tin god pretending to be in charge of things beyond its control.
Consciousness may occur after the brain has gone into action, but it also occurs before our hand does so. Consciousness has enough time to veto an act before it is carried out. Free will operates through selection, not design.
Consciousness is not a superior unit that directs messages down to its subordinates in the brain. Consciousness is the instance of selection that picks and chooses among the many options subconscious offers up. Consciousness works by throwing suggestions out, by discarding decisions proposed by the subconscious. Consciousness is discarded information, rejected alternatives
Consciousness is a veto.
We can control our actions but not our urges. There has to be time for suppression.
What does it mean to make right, especially in situations of violence that has cost lives?
I believe there can be as many answers as there are beliefs. For me as I awakened to the depth of violence my family carried, I understood why my lifetime was sometimes so difficult. It is written that there are only 2 sins, causing harm to another, and missing the mark.
My family caused great harm to others on a big scale, and to me and my sister. I used to believe I had been molested by over 10 men and women by the time I was 8, and I believe it was more than that now. At 7 I also witnessed a KKK hanging, in Alabama. This has been one of the most difficult moments to share. I can remember a friend on Facebook had posted on his news feed an article on those hangings and for the first time I wrote about the experience. He was Native American and for the first time someone said to me I am sorry you had to witness this. It was one of the most horrific memories I experienced.
When I started getting my memory back, my life began to shut down, more confining, until I found my cabin in the mountains, and I felt safe enough to deep dive into this space of deep work. When I understood the inner child may ask me to do penance, it answered so many questions and freed me up to follow moments that opened my energy and opened my heart, and do acts of kindness with awareness.
I also believe the women in my lineage that experienced long physical challenges, were terrified of their power, and this was a way of suppressing their life force and voice. I think this is an extreme example of squelching the unpredictable feelings in the inner child, and what can happen over a lifetime, of having that severe break between Mental Body and Subconscious/Inner Child.
I have pondered this concept for over 12 years and it has uplifted my perspective from victim to willingly participate in my life as doing the job Creator gave me because I could.
One thing I have learned is to follow moments in my life that open my energy. Hang with people who open my heart, and commit to loving to the best of my ability moment to moment.
That's why it has been so profound with the Native Americans. My whole being opens because of the depth of love I feel just looking in their eye. I certainly know a whole lot happens there. I haven never known a love like this. Trust me it is rarely reciprocated and my love has nothing to do with what the give to me. I have a few relationships that have endured time, where a few friends, have saved my life. I believe it has been the first space outside of a few friends where they experience me as an honest and caring person. I am left with a sense of respect and kindness and it has empowered me to continue on this wild ride.
So having a handful of spiritually stunning beings, can heal a lifetime of rejection by family. To be judged as spiritually less than by most people because my history is dark. To be labeled impure because of my challenges has been a big one this lifetime. Ultimately this thought-form originates within.
That has been my deepest wound, and the place where I have found my greatest light.
I was told almost 38 years ago that I would never recover, and that was after only getting 1 memory back. My sister was diagnosed with catastrophic PTSD, and she one memory with a Grandmother, and nothing bout the men. She went the allopathic route and her body is greatly compromised, been sick for the same amount of time as me with the same symptoms and we have only had a brief one month of relationship which makes me sad. I love her very much and understand how it is hard to be around me.
The tools I am sharing work on anyone, and you do not have to have experienced trauma to experience the magic.
One of the driving desires I have had this lifetime is how and why do we cause such harm to each other? What is this aspect of our evolutionary journey that makes healing this rift within so difficult?
I chose a family that caused catastrophic harm within the family and also in large populations. I can remember when I met one of my most beloved teachers and role models, one of the first things he said to me as the class started was "it is really hard to heal murder and rape". That was somehow comforting to me, first that he saw what I was up to healing and secondly I shifted from what am I doing wrong to this is going to be hard work.
He spoke about how past deeds of our ancestors visits many generations. I know some First Nation peoples say 7 generations back, and 7 future generations.
The example he gave was if your grandfather killed someone with an ax lets say, it will visit you.
I can tell you that is so true. I have developed an uncanny ability to hear hidden conversations. That has been so helpful in understanding this thread of brokenness. By understanding a bit of how all this unfolded, has opened the path to forgiveness.
There was a time I saw my family as evil. Now I see where and why they broke.
Yet I still long for a time I was with family that loved me. Me getting my memory back actually caused our family to sort of shatter.
That beloved teacher also talked about the importance of clarity. The common denominator is I am always present. If there is a misunderstanding where was I unclear. What had I not addressed? What conversation had I squelched in order to not rock the boat?
For me being clear is my way of loving another. Some people experience as a breath of fresh air, others are mortally terrified and run for the hills. Being clear can be a risky business because of this. It can be an opportunity to deepen relationships and trust. I usually find it as a liberating moment. When people run I get sad. I always pray to find more loving ways to express myself, and I do not regret my way of loving. My relationships left standing are extraordinary, and I want more time with the people I love.
Truly, it is an aspect of the iron grip of the mental body to share our lofty side and dominate what we fear only. I love share moments and insights where I have bypassed that conversation and am more spirit driven. It is very different than dominating and being fearful of who I am. In fact I often teach by sharing my mistakes and learning curves. It causes me to walk through much to share my humaness, and begin to learn how to effectively move my conversations upscale. This never occurred by suppressing my journey. Many people see this walk as a sign of weakness. Trust me it takes more courage than I ever thought I was capable of.
I knew I had to learn how to love and let love in. Creator put me in an environment that surprised me. I had always had a love of ceremony and studying the ways of the First Nation Peoples. When I moved to western North Carolina, I was just a few miles from the Cherokee Reservation. I will share more about this later.
One of the most magical openings to my heart happened there. When I saw a Cherokee I was filled with their astonishing power and beauty. That is true of most First Nation peoples I am blessed to know. Their care of community and family rocked my world. For a few years I was part of a grass roots movement to write their Constitution. I had nothing to do with it other than taking a supportive role. I was blessed by their presence. It became a balm for my soul, and through the years some of my closest relationships were birthed there.
I was invited to join them on their Journey to Forgiveness, retracing the Trail of Tears. I focused on my own shared memories as my awareness grew of the horrific reality we imposed on these great people. That's a subject for another day. We have a lot to do to open the door to them forgiving us as a people. America's dirty secret is the genocide of the Native Americans as this country changed hands. And we have never apologized.
I can see now my pathway was carved by the questions I learned to ask. The answers were there always, but sometimes I had the wrong lens on and could not see them.
One of my teachers said each of us is really only dealing with one or two patterns a lifetime, and that pattern changes form or where it shows up frequently.
I developed a system that identifies a cluster of information that forms along the line of communication between the 3 selves. This cluster of information blocks outcomes or transformation, because old memories get triggered. It provides a space to see the memory triggered and a profound opportunity to rewrite that conversation, repeatedly until the pattern shifts. I call this technology the Philosopher's Stone. A powerful tool to retrieve your lightest light held in some dark spaces and memories.
When I was introduced to the roles of the 3 selves, it added another universe to my journey. A universe where I could remember my dreams again, have hope and faith again, and up the ante on retrieving many years of my memory loss.
A pattern that was passed through the women in my lineage, was one of prolonged illness followed by death or insanity. Most were extremely ill, often hospitalized, for over
I too followed that pathway. I do not go to doctors, except when I lost my eyesight to cataracts or dental problems. I have experienced physical challenges for almost 20 years, and have come to understand the consciousness of disease. It continues to reveal itself as I step into a greater place of homeostasis; opening the doorway to miracles.
It was in writing this blog I uncovered a step that I had not paid much attention to. I always seemed to be in a fight for my life. Almost daily investing in natural remedies, and protocols. I studied and worked with the herbs, and had my happiest of days communing with the flowers and making flower essences. I was blessed to have 2 years of continuous ceremonies and learning from them.
The step I had not paid attention to was all disease is the result of a need or needs not being met for the inner child. It hit me like a ton of bricks and also excited me to discover what I had not seen yet.
I got to work right away delving into a deeper communion with my inner child. First night nothing. Second night it began to open. Third night a life changer. My inner child began revealing some very deep needs not being met. I suppose I knew some of these and yet when put together and relayed to me this way was a shocker, painful and moments to recommit to care for myself in new ways.
This communion was an honor and also humbling. I was reminded to remember this journey of discovery was forever and to refrain from the mindset I had all the answers.
For all intents and purposes I have lived a very isolated life in these mountains for over 20 years. This has been a very special inward time, seeking my passion and joy within. A
I have had a lot of fun, and this last year I began longing for more time with friends and to show up in life in new ways. Every step I took seemed to be met with a dead end.
Now I understood why, or a big portion of why. I also had been remiss in petitioning my High Self to heal me. All in all its an opportunity to stay awake more.
There are some very fun aspects to this. As this communion is a daily conversation I also ask my inner child what she needs today.
I followed her direction. I had a divinely fun and exciting 2 days in the studio this weekend, a huge learning curve, and a blissful time.
So if you have struggled with a block or pattern in your life, create a meditation where you can commune with all aspects of yourself. I created a space in a field of flowers and plants, thousands of butterflies, warm sun and wind, and petitioning the help of my High Self. It was like meeting my Guardian Angel for the first time. I can feel some major changes in the works. I am jazzed
Next week I am off to meet my tooth fairy again. Last trip was the most pain I have experienced ever, this time will be easy, and I get to spend time with some treasured friends.
I am so sorry, this was not on my website. A wonderful visualization.
To the Kahunas, disease meant the blocking of the path to the High Self. All disease originates in the low self/Inner Child as some need is not being met. To bring about the healing, the blocks were removed, by cleansing. Then the high self accepted a goodly supply of mana/life force/chi to use it to do the actual healing.
The High Self has no way to manufacture or gather mana, hence its reliance on low self/inner child to gather mana. Breath is powerful in gathering mana. Many cultures have powerful breath work.
Cleansing reopens the path to High Self.I ask High Self to cleanse programming. Way more effective than getting tangled with the mental self.
Build such a feeling of love in making a prayer causing male and female within to unite or bring about conditions requested in prayer
Love never fails the child. One turns to Mother for supply and wise guidance from Father.
Love can dissolve the block to the Low Self created from fear and hate.
Deep Breathing creates manna. Max Long recommends 40 breaths…. inhale/hold/exhale/hold x 40. If you have a hard time imagining your healed state imagine spending the day with someone who embodies the outcome you desire. Strive for feeling.
All patterns are past referenced.
Always carry prayers to the full healed state. Pray from your high self to the high self of another.
Review past harms or perceived harm from the High Self.
You can go to your “safe room” (see mp3 to download in resource section of this site)
Imagine your healed state, happy safe and serene, hold this picture before the mirror of the High Self and reflect down to low self/inner child
“It is the High Self hovering over each wayward individual whom we can love. The middle self, who is unable to control the wicked low self, is not so much to be loved as pitied. It is a guest in a house ruled over by a low self which is still savage and cunning. It will, given time, educate and humanize the recalcitrant low self. On our part the essential thing is to understand these things. Understanding is akin to love, and the middle self will meet the problem with quiet sanity, not with tangled inadequate thinking.”
“With the High Self asked to stand behind us and to help in establishing and keeping control of the powerful low self, armed with its animal vigor and wealth of manna, all can go well and the growth toward the light can be swift, joyous and normally right”
Remember that when the vital force supply begins to run low, the low self always takes all it needs and usually leave the middle self half supplied. With less than a full supply of mana, the middle self “will” is the first thing to suffer, and the low self walks off with the entire man, following its own urges instead of being guided by the middle self.
Imagine you inner child gathering extra mana with every breath, and happily storing this force. Imagine you are being infilled with strength and vitality. Imagine your determination growing in strength to fulfill your dreams and desires. Imagine your low self strong and energized. Imagine sending to your High Self a strong flow of manna with warmth and love and trust in its perfection, wisdom, power and love. Give thanks and imagine from your wish fulfilled. The low self has the right to companionship, joyous exercise and the pleasant use of senses. Exercise, games music- all the things which it enjoys and which make for its happiness and well being.
In making a prayer (outcome) we must exert faith and believe that what we have asked has been built already in the pattern world by the High Self. We are reminded of the words of Jesus… believe that ye receive them and ye shall receive them. The High self creates the patterns of the changed future for the man, and gradually brings about the new conditions.
These distinctions are referenced through the work of Max Freedom Long who I studied for many years. It makes sense to me and I wanted to share some of the distinctions.
He says that the High Self resides outside of the body and is attached to our body via the silver cords or AKA cords.
Those cords are like a telephone line for the 3 selves to commune and elevate our inner communion. When an old trauma or memory happens and is not released it forms a knot or cluster of information along that line of communication.
The Hunas say that when we do not manifest our dreams or desires, it is because we either caused harm to another or a rogue or old memory is triggered.
Talk about demystifying why some patterns are so hard to change, and knowing it is one of these two issues shines a light the way to more effective use of focus and energy.
For me this has brought a sense of peace and greater confidence in tackling inter-generational trauma. For the first 35 years I willed myself through my journey and healing. I was exhausted by this approach and lost hope entirely for a while. I did not know how to go on, or believe that I was capable of the task at hand.
Then last Christmas, I had what I call a divine intervention. I was surely blessed by a great love, greater than I had ever known. I was filled with wonder, hope and faith. I began to know my High Self would not orchestrate a life like mine unless it was filled with magic, purpose and an opportunity to fulfill my deepest desire of making a difference in the world, and transforming the great harm caused to others by my family.
I never would have made it without Ho'oponopono. I recommend every person I have known or loved to go take a class with them. IZI LLC, Sponsored Self Identity Through Ho'oponopono.
The following distinctions are inspired by the works of Max Freedom Long
The High Self
The Manifester, Guardian Angel