When I was well into what I call my shadow work I was working with an amazing lady. We were having a conversation and she said “Jan, there are arenas in your life where you have this handled. Here you do not. It is a matter of bridging where you have it handled, to where you do not.” For instance, I am trusting holding the space for others to look at difficult areas of their life. I have an innate trust to jump in and just flow, to get out of the way the best I can and be as present as I can. Magic happens here.
In my deeper and more intimate relationships I sometimes face terror to speak my mind and all sorts of fears come up to somehow contort myself so I do not lose someone or piss them off. LOL, I am still practicing and I will ultimately speak the unspeakable because I have found it is in the space anyway. My best chances of building strong relationships is to put it on the table.
I can remember years ago and listening to a tape about Reverse Speech. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever encountered. I contemplated getting certified or learning more about this. The tapes contained recordings of people speaking in a lovely appropriate manner, recorded on a special recorder, then played back in reverse. OMG it was cosmic. Seriously women were talking about wanting to be with their host while carrying on polite conversations sitting next to their spouse. The recordings were from babblings of babies, which in reverse was saying “help me”, to politicians talking about important world situations while talking about the Iraq War. As I contemplated how to explore this for myself I vetoed the investment, and felt if I had to carry around a machine to discern the truth I would be in trouble. My takeaway was what I genuinely feel is in the space at all times, and with practice through the years I can often hear the unspoken desires and feelings.
As I explored systems of healing almost all of them required constant lessons fees and contact and I began to design my system that way as well. I was uncomfortable to continue in a different way for lots of human reasons, then I met the most amazing and humble man in my lifetime that taught ancient practices and only had 2 levels. He did not believe in groups nor ever setting anything up as one being a guru type teacher. This man eternally changed my life and his walk was one of miracles and love for humans, stretching into the purity of their being. He really stressed the need to not try to heal someone. Creator is in charge of that, and we could work on ourselves about that issue. So let’s say for instance if my sister let’s say, needed a liver transplant, every time I was connecting with her to feel my love for her, and ask Creator to heal whatever memory I had about liver or liver transplants showing up as her illness. This is going to sound weird, and when a year passed she was off the transplant list.
My sister and I did not speak for many years, because my memory of childhood was not even close to hers. I have gotten most of my memory back now, at least enough for me to eternally scratch my head asking what’s this life is about. My sister only has a few memories back two of which was our mother trying to kill her by feeding her mothballs, telling her it was candy.
The main thing Ii was taught up until 8 years ago was to control my negative energy and think positive. There wasn’t enough positive to allow my memories to return then release them. When I started studying Max Freedom Long and Ho’oponopono it filled in so many answers to questions I had carried for years. I began focusing on building relationship with my Inner Child and learning distinctions and roles for the 3 selves, and understanding the nature of our mental body and why initially it can be very hard to surrender and build trust.
Another big step in my healing was learning about how to be clear and avoid misunderstandings. I think that lesson will be eternal. For me being clear with the person I am with is an act of love. Many people find that way of being confrontive and frightening. I would rather be clear than start suppressing what feeds me and is true to my heart.
I can remember when the growth on my thyroid was discovered. I started looking at where it was located. My neck, hmmm. That bridges my head and my heart. I asked myself how much of my authentic self am I holding back. Honestly, I saw 80%. I was afraid I would lose people, and be alone. How weird, and it was deeply ingrained. I journeyed with that thought for many years and worked on closing that gap through the years. I love deeply and passionately. I strive to love from best of who I am, and be willing to face my responsibility and humanness.
I always hear one of my teachers whispering behind me” your feelings are the pathway to your healing, all of them”. I am always amazed at how frightening this concept is for us humans. I can remember a long time ago studying some of the teachings of the Hathors. This is one of the great takeaways for me.
We really only have 2 things to watch out for as humans, places that can trip us up in big way; our judgement of self and others, and our incompletions with others.
This incompletion piece is huge, and remains trapped energy in that part of ourselves that makes our choices. I write letter with all my feelings expressed. I write really fast and unfiltered, a big dump. Sometimes I say a prayer to the universe that this causes no harm and when released can be used for healing.
Sometimes I get comfortable and imagine the person in front of me and have conversations that were too frightening when the issue happened. If it is a huge issue, sometimes I have to make a 2-column list. In one column, all negative phrases. Directly across from each phrase, list what this turns into once healed.
I also have a one phrase mantra that I can say when things get stormy. Since all the grown ups in my family (really broken) tortured, abused or killed others, I found that deeply imbedded in me an expectation that if I loved and interacted with people I cared for I would cause great harm. When I discovered this hidden belief I eventually shortened it to” my love kills”, and the healed state became “my love gives life”. When the storms arrive repeating the healed state opens my energy, compassion and forgiveness.
I took a look across my life and do this with all my bigger issues. It builds brides and opens the energy.
This allows life to nurture me and bring the balm of forgiveness and a place to rest.
I can remember having a phone call with several peers in the industry of transformation and we were exploring the possibility of doing a workshop together and I said, I felt our greatest challenge as human beings was feeling our feelings, and learning how to be with the hidden ones and allow them to transform, rather than stuff them.
Initially it was a very exciting conversation. We began to imagine how our diversity could come together. I was jazzed. As we continued, I shared some of the revolutionary approaches explored in “User Illusion”, and the possibility we are off target in our approach, and how exciting to explore new approaches and new strategies.
Then there was a resounding “you can’t tell people they are wrong!” Mind you I had known both peers for over 20 years. I scratched my head and wondered if there was any role I could play in creating something together because the 3 selves and our neglectful approach to our subconscious, and our continued attempt to dominate our feelings, I feel is why the world is so askew at this time. For me it creates a break within which is screaming to be explored and pondered.
If our approach was so spot on why is our world so shocked at the anger, rage and division being expressed? If we are truly co-creators of our reality, then why is all this hatred and prejudice here now.
If all it took was controlling our feelings our world would look very different. With a 16 year memory loss, I was told early on in order to heal I was going to have to relive those suppressed memories. For me the world was not very supportive of getting in touch with my feelings and once there how do I elevate them. There have been many a relationship through the years, where people would tell me to just get over it, and to think of the positive things. There have been many moments I did not feel positive, I felt very scared navigating this by myself. I did not see very many places where getting in touch with the darker feelings was tolerated, much less having an understanding that unless trauma is dealt with it becomes trapped energy and runs your life and choices anyway.
Being deeply engaged in “what does it take to transform those darker feelings, I have had a chance to work with many people, and what I find is that most people are absolutely terrified of feeling their feelings, much less expressing them. When I was developing The Philosopher’s Stone and taught a few classed, I immediately had 18 people who wanted to be coaches. They wanted to instantly go out and heal their friends and family. I was very strict about doing the work yourself. I operate from the inner knowing I cannot lead anyone to places where I have not given the space to myself first. One of my mentors said it is the healers of the world that have caused the most upheaval and damage to our world. That certainly gave me a few years of pause and introspection. I began to explore this with some of my friends and I was horrified ant some of their answers and very appreciative of their honesty at the same time. One acquaintance was a Dr. and worked with veterans as a Psychologist. I was exploring this thing I was noticing of did I perpetuate difficulties and illnesses in my processes. Was I somehow keeping clients engaged to grow my business. These were not the most elegant answers to dig up and so very important for my personal integrity and living with myself. Anyway back to my therapist friend. I shared my personal inquiry and he openly said he never let someone go, or be confident in their leaving his mentorship until he had someone to replace him. He was a brilliant man, and I admired him and this way of being with clients set off every warning flag for me personally. I was in conversation with one of my mentors and we were talking about classes and the healing modalities we loved and he said he targeted each student to take about $30,000. We all need to make a living and it is wise to map out price strategies that afford a decent lifestyle, but what happens when that becomes the focus rather than providing a space for someone to become self-reliant and have the tools to step into their “unknown genius” or creativity. Armed with realistic expectations of the tools provided. For me, this approach is mired in the many traps, whistles and bells of the mental body.
I recently was working with a student that was facing the possibility of death, she had coded, been revived and felt to call me. I was tough on her in a way by pointing her deeply into assuming responsibility, although unconscious, that she was creating this, and that by assuming responsibility it would lead her to great freedom as well as learning to feel her feelings. We talked about each of ours fears and successes of learning how to feel, and she expressed her terror of becoming un-numb and feeling again, and that pull was far greater than learning how to be with her feelings. I have experienced people willing to go insane rather than feel, I have had all those feelings as well, and have great compassion that it is a road we have to learn how to walk down. The speed of our journey is always determined by our ability to learn how to trust ourselves. I believe there is an innate fear if we feel our darker feeling we will be consumed by them or become horrible human beings. I also believe this is why all this hatred is coming to the surface. We have been so confronted by the prejudice and hatred carried within our humanness and have been taught for a very long time to avoid the negative at all costs.
One of my teachers said to me a long time ago “Jan if you trust your feelings they will lead you out of this. “I believe in Creators ultimate wisdom and that we have a job to do. I do not believe he created us in order for us to deny an entire aspect of our being……. I believe we are here to elevate our humanness, and to witness the purity of our essence within that space. I believe we are here to untangle from the programming of our journeys together and to set ourselves free into our new world of our relationship to all life. A chance to awaken to the beauty of a more spirit driven destiny into the magic of life and who we are together.
The reasons I started writing this blog was two-fold. Encouraged by friends to write down some steps, that are very powerful and supportive to coming back into balance with myself, and that it would be very healing for me to put myself out there. The greater purpose, has been in hopes of touching someone who might be facing a bleak diagnosis or feeling hopeless.
Without hope the doorway out is harder to find, and it can be a descending spiral, survivable and not much fun. With hope, I can dig a little deeper and reinvent myself once again. Now, faith is another story. So I always start with hope and some of the ways I find it I will write a bit about.
Since unresolved feelings, moments or memories remain in our being as trapped energy, one of my favorite tools is to write down every negative thing or conversation and then burn it. Release it into the cosmos. If it involves a relationship with many unspoken conversations that is what I write. Every feeling and unsaid words. Then I burn it. It always brings me to a sense of completion. If it is an inner conversation or even a conversation about God, I start writing. There is always an in filling of light and the beginnings of hope. New perspectives are easier to explore from here.
Another great way of getting in touch with feelings is listening to music. Finding a quiet spot, and letting the music open you to your feelings and sometimes long buried conversations. In my deepest beliefs we are a triple being, High Self, Middle Self and Low Self, the most empowering realization is my High Self was once all of these. Within the consciousness of the High Self is the blueprint out or up. Another vital piece to this puzzle has been, we can hear Spirit only in our low self/inner child/heart. So if I am stuck or challenge, I often will meditate, pray, sit by a tree, walk for at least 25 minutes or listen to music. This is what works for me and anything that opens me to my feeling I use. In the course of my studies, I found teachings on my High Self that rocked my world and answered many questions on blocks to manifestation.
The High Self has to be petitioned. It resides outside of our physical body and is attached via aka cords or those silver threads I used to read about as a young woman. Because of where it resides it needs mana, or chi to manifest my prayers, and it does not have the capacity to manufacture or gather chi. The low self/inner child/subconscious can gather or manufacture chi, and it is in charge of our physical bodies. In Max Freedom Long he writes in a book What Jesus Taught in Secret, how the disciples supported Christ by using life force energy supporting some of the huge miraculous manifestations of His Love. For me, this began to answer so many questions I have had and gave me a bit of a blueprint on how the 3 selves work together. So for the first 7 years I just focused on connecting to my inner child/subconscious/low self. I had never heard of the connection to the High Self.
It has been said the loneliness we feel as human beings is the longing of the High Self to serve. I have a profound chart in the resource section you can download or look at to see the roles of the 3 selves. This took about 5 years to put together and it has been so very helpful.
I found most of my healing was motivated by fear, fear I wasn’t going to be able to turn this around and that I had to work harder and be more committed, and there is truth in that. However, once I began to understand that what I really had to do was to gather the energy and send it to my High Self. All I had to do was to surrender at that point. The nature of the middle self is to never surrender and on top of the sexual abuse I experienced surrender was not in my makeup. I knew I had to take baby steps and that all this was doable. Learning how to navigate in the unknown for me is still uncomfortable and I am learning that is just a natural jumping point until I develop enough trust to let go and have more fun.
For me this whole conversation has been very empowering. All the conversations of self-doubt and “what am I doing wrong”? began to melt away. I began approaching releasing trapped energy and rewriting older conversations with greater ease and greater light.
Right now I am focusing on the energies of the Divine Feminine, invoking guidance, insight, grace and love. I am invoking the High Self of the Divine Feminine to open my being to a miraculous healing. I am spending more time being filled with confidence and peace regardless of what is happening for me physically. This is really fun. Don’t be frightened. Remember the definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over expecting different result. Next step finding out who I am in all this.
I am so fascinated by how sensitive we are and how our subconscious, processes and incredible 11,000,000 bits of information per second and how important it is to befriend that part of ourselves and begin to elevate that relationship. Max Freedom Long says that relationship is one of the most important we have.
I have been doing this for a number of years now and I am finding it easier to look at these hidden conversations without so much judgement. That enables me to look at conversations that need to be reframed without much drama.
Through the years I have found some people would rather go insane than feel, or die rather than feel. From my studies one of the functions of the mental body is to remain perched within our consciousness as judge and jury, and to keep us in the known at all costs. Anything that is “otherness” to us is a danger and needs to be imprisoned or killed.
If you look at how we treat “otherness”, racially, sexually, unknown species, ET’s, creepy crawlers and even disease, we want to isolate, confine and destroy. Monitor their movement at all costs. For disease, we create chemicals to wage war on what ails us, or cut it out. Think about it, antibiotics means anti-life. I had a dear friend, full blooded Cherokee, who developed cancer, and had spent time in Vietnam during the war. At Duke they diagnosed him with cancer of his tongue and said they had a very high cure rate. By the time the finished dissecting him he was so tired and beaten, he eventually let go. They cut out most of his tongue, his lymph nodes, jaw bone and muscles in his neck. My brother in law developed stage 4 pancreatic cancer, metastasized to his liver, and they kept pumping him full of chemo after having been given 2 weeks to live. What drives this approach to healing? I am convinced it is driven by the mental body. It is one course of treatment, but it does not take into account the whole person. We have become so specialized in many arenas we do not take into account the whole. Each system affects another. I am convinced I am still vertical because I have been treating my consciousness and my sometimes heroic attempts at treating the physical, and my approach has had to be more holistic because I have never had a diagnosis outside the suspect tumor 20 years ago.
I am so thankful I moved into these woods 18 years ago, and that I created a lifestyle that gave me the time and environment to delve into this inquiry about consciousness.
If our old ways are so effective, being positive, be spiritual, suppress everything else, and bury, why would the world look the way it does? If our world is a product of our consciousness, we truly are missing the mark. I often look out into the world and take a few deep breaths and continue to work on my own programming, because there seems little else I can do.
One of the things I love the most is what I have learned by assuming greater responsibility. It seems to open my energy, opens my forgiveness for the choices I have made and to nurture the seed of self-love. Otherwise the victim mentality sets in and I continually look at what I am doing wrong and looking outside myself for help. There are certainly many moments of fear that arise, and as I journey through this I know that is natural, my mental body is fearful of the new and do some inner work to connect to my subconscious or inner child. I have found whenever my old pattern emerges, or I seem stopped by leaping into the unknown, all is good and it is quite natural, and I move forward, often with many little steps, and change happens. Sometime I remark how this life is truly leading me into a life of trusting in life and Creator, and that all my inner nudges are leading me into my love and passion, if I can just let go. That has been like building new muscles, many repetitive choices.
I am reminded when times get tough, I am magnetized to repeat certain patterns and approaches and if they are not working I have to interrupt my approach and try something new. The resistance I experience is not my self-sabotage, it is magnetics, and the pull of those magnetics, depending on the subject may be fueled by others who feel the same way.
Imagine coming from a lineage of women who become bedridden for 10 plus years. Even though my sister and I have been estranged through most of the last 25 years, we both have exhibited most of the same symptoms. One of the great concepts I learned is if we approach our healing from dealing with the symptoms, we will have to wage war, and most likely lose. That is because the symptoms are places in consciousness that have gained mush mass, energy and form. It is important to discover approaches that allow us to deal with these symptoms by uncovering the places of least resistance. It is so much easier. I believe collectively we are being presented with many moments to think way outside of the box to support us and our world to come back into greater balance.
And that brings me back to the idea of being one of many pathfinders. Can we not find greater compassion and healing from the courage it takes to change and understand our evolution? Spiritual beings having a human experience. Going against our old approaches to build strong inner relationships within our 3 selves so we can be more spirit driven, as well as accessing the doorway to our vast abilities to problem solve. Look at all these amazing children worldwide that are coming up with radical solutions to energy and cleaning our environment. The see the problem and just jump in. There are so many breakthroughs throughout the world. I just love understanding what is behind the resistance.
In the book “User Illusion” by Tors Norreanders, he delves deeply into the magic that happens with many of the all-time greats in the field of sports, theater, and music and business. These great coaches understood these resistances and the importance of doing many repetitive exercises to build trust with our conscious mind.
Through acts of building this trust, we reach moments of surrender, surrender to our subconscious and the most sublime moments happen, effortlessly.
As an artist, I crave and consciously work on building that trust, and strive for moments of surrender. Those are the places where time disappears, and where the magic of who we are comes into play.
When I work with the flowers and herbs, my innocence is called forth, and I live in a wondrous world, I just have to learn how to bridge it into other areas that have been challenging. Bridging areas I naturally trust to areas I do not have that trust. And the plants are given to us by creator to support us bridging heaven and earth through our bodies.
Over thirty-five years ago I made a powerful commitment to do whatever it took to heal myself.. My emotional life was a mess and I began my search for tools and technologies that produced