When I was well into what I call my shadow work I was working with an amazing lady. We were having a conversation and she said “Jan, there are arenas in your life where you have this handled. Here you do not. It is a matter of bridging where you have it handled, to where you do not.” For instance, I am trusting holding the space for others to look at difficult areas of their life. I have an innate trust to jump in and just flow, to get out of the way the best I can and be as present as I can. Magic happens here.
In my deeper and more intimate relationships I sometimes face terror to speak my mind and all sorts of fears come up to somehow contort myself so I do not lose someone or piss them off. LOL, I am still practicing and I will ultimately speak the unspeakable because I have found it is in the space anyway. My best chances of building strong relationships is to put it on the table.
I can remember years ago and listening to a tape about Reverse Speech. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever encountered. I contemplated getting certified or learning more about this. The tapes contained recordings of people speaking in a lovely appropriate manner, recorded on a special recorder, then played back in reverse. OMG it was cosmic. Seriously women were talking about wanting to be with their host while carrying on polite conversations sitting next to their spouse. The recordings were from babblings of babies, which in reverse was saying “help me”, to politicians talking about important world situations while talking about the Iraq War. As I contemplated how to explore this for myself I vetoed the investment, and felt if I had to carry around a machine to discern the truth I would be in trouble. My takeaway was what I genuinely feel is in the space at all times, and with practice through the years I can often hear the unspoken desires and feelings.
As I explored systems of healing almost all of them required constant lessons fees and contact and I began to design my system that way as well. I was uncomfortable to continue in a different way for lots of human reasons, then I met the most amazing and humble man in my lifetime that taught ancient practices and only had 2 levels. He did not believe in groups nor ever setting anything up as one being a guru type teacher. This man eternally changed my life and his walk was one of miracles and love for humans, stretching into the purity of their being. He really stressed the need to not try to heal someone. Creator is in charge of that, and we could work on ourselves about that issue. So let’s say for instance if my sister let’s say, needed a liver transplant, every time I was connecting with her to feel my love for her, and ask Creator to heal whatever memory I had about liver or liver transplants showing up as her illness. This is going to sound weird, and when a year passed she was off the transplant list.
My sister and I did not speak for many years, because my memory of childhood was not even close to hers. I have gotten most of my memory back now, at least enough for me to eternally scratch my head asking what’s this life is about. My sister only has a few memories back two of which was our mother trying to kill her by feeding her mothballs, telling her it was candy.
The main thing Ii was taught up until 8 years ago was to control my negative energy and think positive. There wasn’t enough positive to allow my memories to return then release them. When I started studying Max Freedom Long and Ho’oponopono it filled in so many answers to questions I had carried for years. I began focusing on building relationship with my Inner Child and learning distinctions and roles for the 3 selves, and understanding the nature of our mental body and why initially it can be very hard to surrender and build trust.
Another big step in my healing was learning about how to be clear and avoid misunderstandings. I think that lesson will be eternal. For me being clear with the person I am with is an act of love. Many people find that way of being confrontive and frightening. I would rather be clear than start suppressing what feeds me and is true to my heart.
I can remember when the growth on my thyroid was discovered. I started looking at where it was located. My neck, hmmm. That bridges my head and my heart. I asked myself how much of my authentic self am I holding back. Honestly, I saw 80%. I was afraid I would lose people, and be alone. How weird, and it was deeply ingrained. I journeyed with that thought for many years and worked on closing that gap through the years. I love deeply and passionately. I strive to love from best of who I am, and be willing to face my responsibility and humanness.
I always hear one of my teachers whispering behind me” your feelings are the pathway to your healing, all of them”. I am always amazed at how frightening this concept is for us humans. I can remember a long time ago studying some of the teachings of the Hathors. This is one of the great takeaways for me.
We really only have 2 things to watch out for as humans, places that can trip us up in big way; our judgement of self and others, and our incompletions with others.
This incompletion piece is huge, and remains trapped energy in that part of ourselves that makes our choices. I write letter with all my feelings expressed. I write really fast and unfiltered, a big dump. Sometimes I say a prayer to the universe that this causes no harm and when released can be used for healing.
Sometimes I get comfortable and imagine the person in front of me and have conversations that were too frightening when the issue happened. If it is a huge issue, sometimes I have to make a 2-column list. In one column, all negative phrases. Directly across from each phrase, list what this turns into once healed.
I also have a one phrase mantra that I can say when things get stormy. Since all the grown ups in my family (really broken) tortured, abused or killed others, I found that deeply imbedded in me an expectation that if I loved and interacted with people I cared for I would cause great harm. When I discovered this hidden belief I eventually shortened it to” my love kills”, and the healed state became “my love gives life”. When the storms arrive repeating the healed state opens my energy, compassion and forgiveness.
I took a look across my life and do this with all my bigger issues. It builds brides and opens the energy.
This allows life to nurture me and bring the balm of forgiveness and a place to rest.