Sometimes life is a rough road, and my owner manual was vague and unclear.Just know I am sharing my personal journey and tools that have worked for me. This is the road I created for me, you have yours.
This is one of many roads to discover your authenticity. I have found great freedom in assuming responsibility for my creations and my life. Like I said it is simple and not always easy.
I am sharing this in hope that if there is anyone out there has worked their butts off, and things do not seem to have changed much, you might find some insights here.
One of the most insightful and sacred moments of my life happened about 6 or 7 years ago.
I was feeling whooped, tired and longing for some peace. I had found a vial of a homeopathic remedy given to me, it was to support me through some tough stuff. I opened my mouth allowing the pills to dissolve. Shortly thereafter I experienced a conversation with God.
God began to speak to my heart talking about the thousands of His pathfinders on the earth at this time. How vital this work is for carving new pathways into the consciousness of man, and that it is hard work and great progress was being made. He also shared how so many of his pathfinders were tired and feeling defeated.Many were filtering their experiences through the lens of good/bad, right/wrong and had some serious attachments on how their journey looked. That was me!
The next few hours were a recapitualtion and exploration of some of what I had accomplished. It was wonderful to see a bigger picture, and then experience an infilling of "light" and hope.
It always amazes me how assuming a greater responsibility leads to a greater inner trust and a greater capacity to love.
I often reflect on how my life has given me so much. Yes it has been intense, so worth it and I am still digging deep to learn, to love and to forgive.
May you find some value here.
I read a book years ago about the teachings of the Hathors. I don't have an in depth knowledge about them, One of the authors was Tom Kenyon, and extraordinary man. I was left with a very important road map.
We as humans, we have two things we do that can clog up the works on our journey to health..
1 Judgement of our feelings
When we judge our feelings as bad, wrong, evil or not spiritual we clog up the works. Remember we do have our moral compass
As you fuel your healing of the consciousness of disease or dysfunction, remain ever mindful to remain in your heart. So much can happen here. For me as I continue to release trapped feelings, sometimes feelings that have gone on for generations, it gets easier and easier. Once released I am always filled with relief and joy. It is so worth it.
I have found if I view all this as trapped energy, not good or bad, it allows me to move a lot of pain, a lot of gunk. It is so important to work on this judgement piece. Your well being may depend on this one. Once released a new sense of freedom and confidence. Inner Trust grows.
Now about incompletions. Let's say I still harbor a great deal of sadness about a broken relationship. I noticed I recreated many relationships thereafter that broke in a similar way. This repeating pattern over and over made me afraid of opening my heart again.
A powerful tool is to write a letter to that person. Share all your feelings and how it made you feel. Share how it affected your life, unfiltered. Speak the unspeakable. Give yourself the time to let it rip. Allow yourself to feel it all. When you are done, you will have more understanding and more light. Some or a lot of energy will be freed up for you to use in a new way. Then shred it or burn it. A few people throughout the years have sent these letters, and I would exercise caution. If it is a big issue with this person, and you feel you must, write a few letters first so you can be clear.
There was a powerful teaching relationship that meant the world to me. Through the years this person began to do many things to sabotage me. It was crushing to me. This person had changed my life for the better in many ways.
Because I had much love for this person, I did not have the permission to let it rip. I stuffed my feelings which later turned into anger. I had to find a way of transforming my feelings.....
A lot of my clients go through this as well. If it about their mother, lets say, it can be tough to write about negative effects their actions had on you. Remember you are becoming present to a conversation that is recorded, with no malicious intent. It has been a hidden conversation that has shaped many of your choices.
I tried many ways throughout the years to heal this relationship to no avail.I didn't have permission to write a scathing letter even if I burned it. Here is the doorway. The visualization posted in the Free Resource Page. It was a Mega Transformation moment.
There is a portion of this exercise that allows you to step back and see a bigger picture. While doing this exercise I asked what this person was here to teach me and I got a resounding "to take your power back". Years of sadness transformed into an empowered moment or perspective. Many negative moments melted away, and I no longer viewed this person as a betrayer. This person remains a signal to awaken and I remain grateful for his influence in my life. My resistance melted and my energy freed up.
I have found patterns repeat until you get the teaching or the teaching gets you. Its way easier to go for the teaching.
I thought it would be fun to share some of the tools and approaches I have learned throughout the years, and some approaches that can lead to your own special tools. I am convinced one the reasons I am finding my way through this painful past is by matching the magnitude of my pattern with my commitment.
In other words my commitment has to be equal to or greater than the pattern I want to transform.
The second important step is learning to ask the right questions. There are many authors and teachers that have some fun theories and approaches. For me, when I am up against the wall I set my intent or prayer.
I know there are many ancestors and pathfinders through the ages have solved the complex journey into enlightenment. I also know for me to have chosen this path.
I have the blueprint or knowledge on how to transform or shift this issue no matter how big it may seem. I call on the earth, moon, stars and those that have gone before me to show me the way. Ultimately my prayers are always answered.
Sometime I am attached to how it might or must look I may miss the moment. I have been known to sit with my back to a tree or lay belly down on the earth and ask for help. I do live as a hermit most of the time so I haven't cared what other people would think. If you are shy about this, create a special spot inside, or a place in nature that speaks to you.
I was given an inspired meditation that I will post you can try and make your own.
This is one of my favorites to come back into balance with myself.
When I go through a darker space with scary feelings, this tool works great. Write it down, write it down without filters or judgement. Feeling streaming. Just write. When you are done, don't even read it. I stay focused on the fact that I am releasing trapped energy. Then burn it or shred it. I had a student who wrote everything down and then spent countless hours rereading it. I am not sure if that keeps you ensnared with the pain or not. Just notice, if you feel more light it is released.
Put on some music, let your feelings flow. The more "present" you are to your feelings the faster the release. This is where the magic happens.
When I was a young girl, around 7 I went on a camping trip with my father and friends. I was horribly abused. Raped by each one. It took many many years for me to release the anguish I carried. Just know you will never feel more that you can handle, ever. I always call in the souls of the "Great Beings" to help me, and they come. Never be too shy to ask.
I actually have this moment on video. I was filmed while in front of about 20 peers, and my teacher asked me how I was feeling. I said "terrified". He said, "no you are not. You are terrified of feeling your feelings. When you do, this moment will transform in minutes."
This is one of the most transforming distinctions learned this lifetime. There are so many things you can do to make this easier. Build inner trust. I have walked through unspeakable horrors just using this. Simple, yet not always easy.
Anyway I took a breath, touched my feelings and got present my terror. Breathing is important. You can see me transform in moments. My physical stature changed. I was glad to have someone being my cheerleader through this. I would say it was less than 10 minutes and the doorway to forgiveness opened along with much understanding.
I say again, you will never feel more than you can handle.
One more tool I want to share here is finding the big picture of the memory you are healing.
Each seemingly negative experience or pattern turns into the opposite when healed. A fun exercise is to make a list of memories that caused much pain.
For instance, I used to be terrified of speaking to others or in front of others. That turns into me sharing clearly and passionately.
I drew in a lot of betrayal this lifetime. That turns into having empowered relationships and I am honored and cherished by my community.
Trust has been hard for me to experience, or allow. That turns into I am supported by life......God has my back.
I have used these methods to walk out of a childhood not many people have lived through mush less exploring my heart and the goodness and magic of my life. Give it a try........
My approach will never win a popularity contest. I have found, we as human beings are inherently afraid of our feelings, at least the ones that make us feel uncomfortable or less than being spiritual beings.
As I have said before, do you really believe Creator would bless us with a vast emotional body to torture us?
Can there be a bigger picture? Can our current approach be keeping us from grander outcomes and stopping our ability to heal?
I assure you I have tried almost everything imaginable to avoid having to re-experience the pain of my past, clinging to the possibility if I just think positive thoughts or speak positive words, that alone would cause me to heal.
That approach was costly to my health. Yes I was frightened to feel my pain and re-experience remembering my childhood. Yes it was not fun, or at least during the process. Once through the release I am always filled with light, energy and able to have more inspired moments.
When I was introduced to Ho'oponopono 11 years ago I began my deep inquiry into the roles of the 3 selves. Assuming great responsibility for my life and my life choices, including choosing my blood family, the first big question that would arise was "why"?
My environment did not support this inquiry. The doctors I saw, my peers in the healing models, and even within my heart, there was a belief I was bad, tainted or harbored evil or dark thoughts.
Recently I was speaking with a friend about the passing of a mutual friend. She said to me this person died because of impure thoughts, and could not forgive . This conversation stuck with me over the last few weeks. I said to her in the moment, that forgiveness was an eternal and layered journey. This belief is confining and it somehow freezes the healing process. It also makes us feel bad and wrong.
It is fascinating that in almost all our hierarchical structures, disease is seen as bad, punishment, and that we are doing something wrong. I often ask myself, how different could my journey become if I could let go of judging what i feel?
Now celebrating a magical milestone in my journey, I experience suppressed and unfelt feelings as trapped energy. I have gained enough nimbleness in this approach that it is becoming almost second nature to me.
Finding support among a few chosen, cherished friends and Creator, is my safety.
The magic, the gifts available, the connection to my dreams, my heart, hope and possibility are only a few of the doors that open when connecting to my feelings. All of them.
After so many years walking this walk, I have developed a more tender approach, a more motherly approach, with compassion and forgiveness, that it is opening the doors to my health and remembering the magic of my life's expression. It is the knowing that my subconscious is making my choices and running my physical body. It is the understanding that that aspect of self has no discernment, and like a child needs to be listened to, needs to be loved and not judged, so it can fulfill its role to love and hear Spirit.
At long last, I feel I have integrated much from my journey to Mexico as well this most magical journey into my health. Last Christmas, I experienced an intervention, Divinity blessed me with a huge moment to reclaim my dreams and my health. Then my tooth thing happened, and I went to Mexico for dental work.
For those of you that know me well, know I have had some chronic health issues that has propelled me into the field of natural healing and protocols. During this 20-year journey in these lush mountains, my focus has been understanding the consciousness of disease as well as healing intergenerational trauma. I invested years in studying the “great herbalists” and years of ceremony working with the plants. My communion with the plant kingdom remains one of my greatest passions and the magic of my life unfolds here. Yet the tipping point for health remained elusive.
After spending over 25 hours in the dental chair, I returned home fighting for my life. My thymus even bruised in its effort to do its work. I was in a place of surrender, trusting my life brought me to this place for many gifts. It was close to 6 weeks before I could move around much.
What began to awaken was profound insights in to the consciousness of disease, as well as the thought forms of diagnosis and the many traps that can be birthed there. The power of the environment we create to heal, is vital.
I hope to share some of these insights, to support others who have physical issues that are stressful. Much of me reaching this tipping point has involved integrating, to the best of my ability, my understanding of the 3 selves, and how to bring my inner team into alignment for balance and homeostasis. The tools I have gathered over the years are working in ways that are magical, opening my heart and focus to my creativity, to fulfillment of the work I came here to do.
I will be using this page to share more…..thank you for being in my life.
Well, I am just now crawling out of bed, inspired by a greater understanding of my journey and my life path. My dental trip to Mexico seems so far away. This was a vast teaching on the power of commitment, leaping into faith, and a big payoff on all the work I have done over the last 30 years.
I was greatly weakened by the time I got to Mexico. A dear, dear friend picked me up in Phoenix and drove me to Yuma and stayed with me while I had all my work done. I knew I was going for my life in a big way, and will forever be grateful for the generosity of my friends.
Just a side note, I had been utterly terrified of dentists for years, and I was in the dental chair for 27 hours with just Novocaine and Ibuprofen. I definitely had many moments to face my greatest fears. And I found my forever dentist. One of the moments that nudged me through my fears was the love this young man had when he did his work. I had many abbesses, 5 root canals, a bridge. My thymus bruised, and by the time I returned home, all I could do was rest and sleep. After 6 weeks on antibiotics, I came off and began using my beloved plant medicine, and today, 2 1/12 weeks later I am able to work an energetic 3 hours a day. I am doing lots of visualizations, prayers, and hear my body's signals with greater understanding. I am lucky to be alive.
Right before I left a friend told me of several conversations she had where students asked why my work (so powerful) wasn't it working for me. That was a recurring conversation I had for many years, and it is no longer. I am here because of my work and my commitment to live. Also healing inter generational trauma is hard work.
I returned from Mexico a much gentler task master. I am so excited to share my insights into the consciousness of disease and the magic of facing my greatest fears. Living the power of commitment and healing the good/bad, right/wrong approach to blocks and disease. more tomorrow. Namaste, and for those who supported me in prayers and deeds, I am eternally grateful.
I feel it is so very important to see the big picture or what some of these blocks turn into in the healed state. I have been doing this a long time and originally decided to write this blog to inspire others who have experienced severe lifetimes that all is possible, and with focus and commitment there is a way out, to be free of the confines of the past.
I always felt I would come out the other side vibrant and excited to experience deep intimacy. I was attached to what it looked like and found that to become one of my greatest stumbling blocks. If you open to how society and most religions judges illness , it is quite an eye opener. Think about it. When you get sick what is the first place you go? For me it is what am I doing wrong, or what is wrong with me. Most people I know, including me, immediately go into fix it mode, or find someone else who will fix it. OMG I have almost killed myself with this reaction. After all this time I have come to know my body as an amazing healing machine. If I had just trusted this, I am certain my journey would look very different at this moment.
I had an early diagnosis of a growth on my thyroid. and for the next 20 years my commitment and study has been how to cleanse and heal. I worked with a very famous naturopath early on and with his recommended cleanse I was puking and pooping blood and lived on the floor of my bathroom for the first few days.
No one ever talked to me about the dangers of cleanses done improperly. I flooded my body with these very harsh protocols for years, never once understanding cleansing should be done gently and systematically, starting with the intestines, then kidneys and liver and a lot of rest and nourishment, then go from there.
I also lost my two best friends to cancer during this same time. I watched them go from one protocol to another beginning to see that is the first instinctual reaction with dealing with life threatening disease. I found one protocol and stuck with it for many years and am sure that is a big piece as to why I am alive. If you ever have a life threatening diagnosis, whether it is allopathic or natural, find a protocol from someone who has great results. Your chances for recovery will have the best chance if you pick a way that you believe in. I have friends who have chosen the traditional treatment for cancer. I always supported their choice. I just could not pour more poison into my body, and many doctors would never consider it for themselves. That was a road I could not go down. Trust your choice and go for it. And always look at the consciousness that creates physical challenges.
Because I had a catastrophic trauma with a medical doctor I could not go there.My gut led me in a different direction.
I studied thousands of protocols by some doctors that had a better than 80% cure rate. I learned herbs and how to make medicines. ( I recently had a chance to work with a family who had a brother that refused to have his foot amputated and we did a soak from one of these herbalists. It said his foot would turn pink in 4 days and in 2 his foot which had been black had turned pink, except two toes. Sadly, he said he did not want to get well, and was ready to transition and I left knowing he was journeying down his path. It was extraordinary to witness this amazing capacity of our physical bodies. And the power of consciousness as well. For me life is often a choice and from there I find my way out.
My study of Ho'oponopono and the work of Max Freedom Long has led me to the understanding, by the time something anchors into the physical it has passed the the other subtle bodies and the thought form most likely has been going on for generations.
The women in my family for at least 5 generations all became extremely ill for over 10 years and then either went insane or died. Both me and my sister have had chronic illnesses, intense conditions for over 20 years. Even though we have had little contact over the last 35 years, our conditions have mirrored each other.
One of my teachers said to me once, the first time we met, Jan it is really hard to heal murder and rape. I felt somewhat relieved when he said this as I felt it was really hard to heal, and often did not see a designated path. He also said, as an example if your grandfather cut someone's head off with an ax, that moment will visit you and the next generations unless you heal it. This is what I felt was part of my destiny. I trust that is a big part of my job description. I know not many people have lived through or survived my past, and somehow trust that I chose this path because I could. This truly frees up my heart and energy. I do not feel a victim to circumstances. I have remembered choosing my family, and before I came out of the chute, I remember thinking oops.
After many,many years I am learning faith and trust at the deepest levels. I am grateful and excited to press on and see what my next steps are. Fear and constraint are becoming deep unshakable trust. Mind you it is not always unshakable, but many of my moments are, and when I lose my way I have glorious and amazing friends that remind me.
I didn't think it would take me so long to get my "sea legs". Things were moving along getting better everyday, so happy. I was experiencing true happiness and everyday felt Creator was nurturing my re-assemblage. Then a crown broke and off to the dentist. Oy. Crushing news. I got an estimate of between 25-29,000 dollars. I had been told I had an infection in my bone years ago and and vertical cracks from two implants. Anyway I had a total freak out, and started searching for a dentist in Mexico.
Found one, booked a ticket and didn't even have enough for my mortgage. I have had two donations, and am off and running. When I pray I kept getting the word leap, and leaping I am. I have moments where I experience great fear and more moments experiencing possibilities opening up, many choices coming my way, and a knowing I can put much of my journey behind me as speed bumps.
Life is so very sacred, and moments of love and trust even more so. I can tell magic and healing are present. I am grateful.
One of my great teachers once said to me "poor human beings, they do not realize they are caught in the iron grip of the mental body. If we are not coming from a state of love we are reacting to a memory." Given our subconscious records 11,000,000 bits of information per second and has no discernment, we have many conversations awaiting transformation.
Given the intensity of my history, it has been a long journey. Learning to be present to my feelings and recovering so many lost years, my greatest learning has been to walk into my feelings, feeling them, being present. Holding the space of non judgement is where the magic happens.
Years ago one of my teachers was facilitating me in front of a large crowd. A memory surfaced and he asked what was I feeling. I said "terrified". He said "no you are not. You are terrified to feel your terror. When you feel your terror it will transform quickly."
I took a breath, reminding myself this is a memory, and allowed my feelings to surface. Within minutes, after feeling the discomfort of terror, I was flooded with forgiveness and relief. One of the greatest teachings of my life.
Another one of my great teachers talked about memories from the perspective being trapped energy, and that the only way to release that energy was by reliving the memory.
During the last few months I was reminded to allow Creator to heal me, relax, follow what gives me more energy and to trust what I am here to learn. The challenges presented are here to bless me. I have been reminded daily that my spirit only calls me into opportunities of innovation and faith.
It has been a long haul, of my choosing, taking me back to where I shattered. It is the doorway where I can birth myself anew.
I took a long break because I entered into experiences I could not share, not because I was embarrassed but because I could not wrap myself around what was triggering so much fear, tools not working. So I did the only thing I knew to work which was walking into my feelings as full out as I could.
Herring's Law of Cure states we heal from the least intense to the most intense. I certainly had entered into the most intense moments of my journey. As I have shared, many of my blocks had shown up as physical issues. As the intensity grew so did my symptoms. I decided to deep dive into this dark intense space using all I had learned and discovered. I did not understand what this part of my journey was about, until it finally lifted.
December 22. I will remember that day for eternity.
I am purpose driven, and that was what sustained me. I had to settle into trusting my knowing that my spirit only brings me what is best for me, and for several months I hung onto that awareness. I grappled with finding my big picture. I seemed to stay in a state of survival and that can be exhausting. Then I heard someone on TV say blocks and failure are moments for innovation. That became my mantra.
Ii really did not even know how to talk about this time. I had a deep knowing that I chose this life, and somehow was going to come out the other side healed. I was challenged reconciling my life with my beliefs.
I kept walking into my feelings and being as present to them as I could. I prayed, went on walks, played with my fur babies and did only what stirred my passion. Somewhere along the way I recognized I was re experiencing how I felt as a small girl.
From that moment on I was not resisting this part of my journey. I buckled up and awoke to the possibility, this was a place where I shattered as a young girl. It made everything easier. I certainly longed for a place to talk about this, and to be honest my friends held the boat steady, even though they were uncomfortable with my pain. I could not have done this turnaround without the safety of friendship. I feel so blessed to have such extraordinary friends.
Even though it took all that i had and then some, I woke up on December 22, deeply happy, safe, full of light an deeply trusting God had my back. Everyday my health improve a little more, along with my faith and trust. I experienced the moment I shattered and Creator is helping to put me back together from a place of greater wholeness. I feel I have just stepped out of a 66 year journey of the dark night of the soul.
Over thirty-five years ago I made a powerful commitment to do whatever it took to heal myself.. My emotional life was a mess and I began my search for tools and technologies that produced