I was told almost 38 years ago that I would never recover, and that was after only getting 1 memory back. My sister was diagnosed with catastrophic PTSD, and she one memory with a Grandmother, and nothing bout the men. She went the allopathic route and her body is greatly compromised, been sick for the same amount of time as me with the same symptoms and we have only had a brief one month of relationship which makes me sad. I love her very much and understand how it is hard to be around me.
The tools I am sharing work on anyone, and you do not have to have experienced trauma to experience the magic.
One of the driving desires I have had this lifetime is how and why do we cause such harm to each other? What is this aspect of our evolutionary journey that makes healing this rift within so difficult?
I chose a family that caused catastrophic harm within the family and also in large populations. I can remember when I met one of my most beloved teachers and role models, one of the first things he said to me as the class started was "it is really hard to heal murder and rape". That was somehow comforting to me, first that he saw what I was up to healing and secondly I shifted from what am I doing wrong to this is going to be hard work.
He spoke about how past deeds of our ancestors visits many generations. I know some First Nation peoples say 7 generations back, and 7 future generations.
The example he gave was if your grandfather killed someone with an ax lets say, it will visit you.
I can tell you that is so true. I have developed an uncanny ability to hear hidden conversations. That has been so helpful in understanding this thread of brokenness. By understanding a bit of how all this unfolded, has opened the path to forgiveness.
There was a time I saw my family as evil. Now I see where and why they broke.
Yet I still long for a time I was with family that loved me. Me getting my memory back actually caused our family to sort of shatter.
That beloved teacher also talked about the importance of clarity. The common denominator is I am always present. If there is a misunderstanding where was I unclear. What had I not addressed? What conversation had I squelched in order to not rock the boat?
For me being clear is my way of loving another. Some people experience as a breath of fresh air, others are mortally terrified and run for the hills. Being clear can be a risky business because of this. It can be an opportunity to deepen relationships and trust. I usually find it as a liberating moment. When people run I get sad. I always pray to find more loving ways to express myself, and I do not regret my way of loving. My relationships left standing are extraordinary, and I want more time with the people I love.
Truly, it is an aspect of the iron grip of the mental body to share our lofty side and dominate what we fear only. I love share moments and insights where I have bypassed that conversation and am more spirit driven. It is very different than dominating and being fearful of who I am. In fact I often teach by sharing my mistakes and learning curves. It causes me to walk through much to share my humaness, and begin to learn how to effectively move my conversations upscale. This never occurred by suppressing my journey. Many people see this walk as a sign of weakness. Trust me it takes more courage than I ever thought I was capable of.
I knew I had to learn how to love and let love in. Creator put me in an environment that surprised me. I had always had a love of ceremony and studying the ways of the First Nation Peoples. When I moved to western North Carolina, I was just a few miles from the Cherokee Reservation. I will share more about this later.
One of the most magical openings to my heart happened there. When I saw a Cherokee I was filled with their astonishing power and beauty. That is true of most First Nation peoples I am blessed to know. Their care of community and family rocked my world. For a few years I was part of a grass roots movement to write their Constitution. I had nothing to do with it other than taking a supportive role. I was blessed by their presence. It became a balm for my soul, and through the years some of my closest relationships were birthed there.
I was invited to join them on their Journey to Forgiveness, retracing the Trail of Tears. I focused on my own shared memories as my awareness grew of the horrific reality we imposed on these great people. That's a subject for another day. We have a lot to do to open the door to them forgiving us as a people. America's dirty secret is the genocide of the Native Americans as this country changed hands. And we have never apologized.
I can see now my pathway was carved by the questions I learned to ask. The answers were there always, but sometimes I had the wrong lens on and could not see them.