Could it be we are programmed to not feel, and numb out because we are afraid we can’t heal our deeper wounds? Anyway that was true for me. I can see over the 35 years I was gaining experience and trust that I could heal those wounds and that I would not be swallowed up in an uncontrollable fury of negativity. For the longest time I felt tainted by my past, dirty and full of shame.
There are a couple of perspectives that have saved my butt and allowed me opportunities to reinvent myself and to push thorough resistant thought forms. One of them is to switch focus from “what am I doing wrong?” to “what is the teaching?”. I have found patterns repeat themselves until you get the teaching or the teaching gets you. Where I am coming from on this is that when we judge our actions as wrong, it indicates an intolerance to make mistakes, and it freezes up the energy.
Our subconscious makes our choices and it has been proven that by the time we are conscious of something it is already in the past by ½ a second. (Tor Norretranders “User Illusion; Cutting Consciousness Down to Size”). We can still use discernment on our choices, and this is a revolutionary conclusion. Our subconscious, makes our choices, and records 11,000,000 bits of information per second. That is a massive amount of information. I remember when I started to work on myself in these here woods, I would pick an issue and uncover 100 more. It was endless. I read this book 9 years ago and it revolutionized my approach, healing and success. It is heavy reading at places and so worth it.
Think about it, we have within us a magical computer, capable of processing huge amounts of information, more information than every library in the world combined. A wizard at problem solving.
However, we have been taught for 2,000 years to fear that part of ourselves. It is home to all our feelings, it runs our bodies and its systems, and it is powerful and unpredictable. I studied Max Freedom Long for years, and one of his approaches was that we had to make friends with that part of ourselves. Part of our job on our earth journey is to elevate our feelings, and that cannot be done being fearful or disconnected from our feelings. As spiritual beings having this human experience we sort through the lens of spiritual, lofty, generous as opposed to base, dark and wrong and evil. And as spiritual beings we don’t feel it is ok, or right to go there. And that is the separation we came to heal. The roles of the subconscious are a very specific, and for now I will just share that is the place where we hear spirit.
Each person has areas in their life where thy trust and connect to our magical healing machine, and many areas where they don’t. that is usually where we have experienced pain or trauma. That trauma forms a knot or cluster of information that blocks that part of ourselves from doing its job. And that is where patterns get locked in until we become aware of that cluster and unwind it and rewrite that conversation.
I was talking to a friend the other day and remarked that I felt our greatest challenge was not to be afraid of our feelings. If you look out to the world that is the reflection, we are getting back. The world is indeed more polarized than ever, and is out-picturing our inner polarization
What we resist persists. If you think about the law of attraction, what we put our attention on we create. We are never taught that we have a part of ourselves that can get locked onto a bunch of conversations that can be convoluted and painful. When we resist something we are putting a tremendous amount of energy avoiding feeling those things, thus feeding those feelings, only we are not aware that we are doing it. The subconscious has no discernment and it records everything. We have placed our salvation on our “mental bodies or conscious minds” which when compared to our subconscious is a “tin god” as it can only process very small amounts of information: 16 bits of information per second as compared to our subconscious which processes 11,000,000 bits of information per second. This was a colossal paradigm shift for me and a huge doorway to coming into the light so to speak and transforming some of my intergenerational trauma.
Eight years ago I set out to make friends with that part of myself I call my inner child or subconscious. Part of my focus was to become more aware of my hidden conversations so I could heal them or rewrite them. I cannot change what I cannot see or be aware of.
Another perspective that was a paradigm shift was twofold for me. First, my greatest weakness held my greatest strengths. Whatever I perceived in myself as a weakness held the seed or doorway to my greatest strengths.
I can remember when I moved to Arizona, being around people was terrifying. Thinking back on some of those times I felt like I was almost going into shock in certain circumstances. As I inched along in my healing speaking in front of groups sent me into terror, and communicating anything in that space was impossible. So when I learned to explore these moments from they held my greatest strengths I began to look forward to being a clear communicator and feeling safe in crowds. The first one has happened, not so much feeling safe in crowds, and that one is much better.
I have wrestled with sharing a lot of details about my childhood because it is so very dark. I am going to share the crowd trauma. My father was from Tuscaloosa Alabama. His father was a machinist, and also a member of the KKK. His mother was a very broken woman and in and out of mental institutions. When I was around 7 years old my Grandmother said, I am taking you to a party. I got very excited. We pulled up to what looked like a picnic. It was a KKK hanging. I did not get that memory back until 9 years ago.
I was in the middle of the “Incurables Cleanse” in the shower and began to relive this memory. It answered so many questions. My love of African Americans, and weird encounters with the prejudice of whites going to college at the University of Alabama in the late 60’s, my terror of crowds and parties would leave me with a desire to run for my life.
I also live from the place of all this is my creation, and have felt this way for a very long time. Why I created a life like this has been rather mysterious and occasionally I am filled with insights. There is a lot of freedom to be experienced by living from here. Being a victim can’t really survive long in this space, and a whole lot of compassion is birthed here. I often ponder as I move through these traumas is if I created this, I must have the strength and wherewithal to get through it.
So create a supportive environment, make friends with your feelings, identify your strengths, and this next step will cut through more programming than you ever imagined, years of caca fall away and you don’t have to work so hard. Yes, my path has led me to the 3 selves and their roles because it is the only thing that has made sense. It has pulled everything together for me and brought tremendous understanding and the creation of a beautiful and magical life. My life, spiritually is rich beyond measure and knowing I chose this life to fulfill a promise, and to help heal a very broken lineage.
OK, so our higher expression, our super conscious self has evolved through all stages of our consciousness. It has been a subconscious self, a conscious self so it holds within itself the map or blueprint on how to do this dance, with greater ease and effectiveness than you will ever be able to achieve by doing it any other way.
This was an inner revolution for me. I have worked intensely this lifetime and when I started exploring this concep things definitely got a whole lot easier. I was so far down the rabbit hole I did not think I could pull myself out. I couldn’t, and in the act of surrender I started to get well physically and the door opened for creating from a different place.