Our traditional approach to healing PTSD is not very effective. For me I was given a death sentence early on. I was more fearless back then, bolder, and I had a sense this is what I came here to do, so I must be able to. Well……………………………….This has been really hard, and really intense.
I would learn a technology and push the envelope to see what worked for me. I can remember one course of study, which was profound, was about altering my language and consequently would alter my reality. I was rigorous and so was a small band of fellow journeyers. At the end of 2 years I was half dead, my best friend died and we somehow continued to live in the delusion we were here to lead the poor humans out of their darkness. I did not understand back then that the subconscious had to be congruent with the rest of me to work.
I gave it all up and I moved into the woods. I was spent, whooped and lost. I knew I needed a radical shift. My health was in jeopardy and my spirit too.
The doctors that worked with me early on said “your radar is so broken if you like someone, run”. Historically I had seemingly made bad choices for myself. That is how I felt moving into the woods. I had tried the best I could all my tools, and felt so very broken. I had taken a simple holistic test for cancer and tested positive. My thyroid was huge and I was very frightened.
A friend of me had gotten me in touch with an extraordinary Naturopath who confirmed it was a suspect tumor, and put me on a cleanse. I had never done one to this degree before. I was taking a thousand dollars’ worth of great products and starting puking and pooping blood within 24 hours. That didn’t make me feel anything other than terrified. I laid on the floor for days hugging the john. My inner conversation was something like, we are in a heap of sh-t of trouble. I pushed on. Underneath the fear, I knew it was caused by me, my consciousness, and that had to be addressed as well.
I reached out for help and was introduced to the teachings of one of my greatest heroes, Joseph Scogna. It was really peculiar in that I had a 5 hour session with someone on the phone and I understood. I knew his work, in my soul. I had never experienced anything like it. My world began to shift into a more empowered approach and one that also fostered a lot of self-trust.
When I was about 14 ½ I had gotten pregnant by one of my Dad’s best friends. I had no memory of this incident until I was in Arizona in the early 90’s. That memory surfaced while I was at home with some treasured friends. Donald was a friend (so greater than that) and a psychologist. He was amazing with me and so was his wife, Lynne. I was tricked into a forced saline abortion at 7 ½ months pregnant. I was bound during the procedure and my boy was alive until he was disposed of. What I remembered at that time shattered me, although in hindsight I think I was already shattered. This moment shaped me as a woman. Mom and Dad confirmed it, in fact they said that was why we moved to Europe. Dad had a senate appointed position with the NSA and my pregnancy jeopardized his job on many levels, so off we went to England.
It is so interesting to me, that while in England and for the rest of my adult life I had no memory of this incident until I was around 43. This incident is so related to my bad health.
This was a very difficult moment to talk about, and to try to relive. I could no longer bury it.
I went to a big convention of oilers. We were there to learn about emotional healing with essential oils. We were going to give and receive a session. I think there were over 300 people there. On my way to Utah I committed to go for it, and what I mean by that is to be raw vulnerable and heal with 125% of all that I am.
This might sound very strange. When it was my turn and I got on the table, I looked at the wonderful ladies getting ready to journey with me and I was concerned if I went for it they would not be able to hold the space. Suddenly Christ appeared at the end of my table and let me know I was covered. I took a breath and let go. They anointed me with oils, and I went back to the moment I lost my son. The grief and anguish caused me to wail in an earth shattering way. I went with my feelings. I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it. The next thing I knew the founder was anointing my forehead then my pelvic region with oils. I could feel much of the heaviness leave. He knew what I was reliving and was impeccable in holding the space.
I felt so very much better. It was disruptive for others, I overheard some of the facilitators talking about how it interfered with the others. I felt bad. I do not think he has ever taught another one of those classes.
That brings me back to the new empowered way I was learning to re-experience some of my memories. This is my interpretation of the great work of Joseph Scogna.
For every emotional trauma we experience, which is like an electrical charge, we have to have an equal and proportionate discharge or it stays trapped in our bodies. Getting present to moments where many things get wired in together, untangling them so to speak frees up huge quantities of energy. The trapped energy or trauma, cannot be released until we go back and get present to it, then the light held there is released. His approach allowed a window to freeze frame the memory so all the information can be untangled. He found a way to find a moment where there is less resistance than anything I had ever experienced.
When I moved to the mountains, I began doing his sessions on myself and I did 183 days in a row of sessions on losing my child. I was getting so much lighter about it. That trauma was beginning to heal and I was able to begin to retrieve parts of myself long buried.
Another important lesson I learned from him was because of the calcium in our physical make up, a trauma it is like a big flash of light or as I fondly called them atomic moments and forms a pathway on how we run energy every time we experience something similar to the trauma. I have found that is true of my poor amygdala too. There are some great articles on how with PTSD our amygdala gets set on high and we can create a very intense lifestyle that burns us out on many levels. What I loved so much about Joe’s approach was that instead of experiencing things through the lens of what am I doing wrong? it was a matter of physics.
I did a rites of passage in these beautiful mountains during an overnight ceremony and there was a great thunderstorm with lots of lightening. I took shelter in a barn and laid down on some decking and watched the lightening. It occurred to me that in order to heal those atomic moments, rewire those hidden conversations, we had to experience light, or have a light moment of equal magnitude to the trauma to change the physics of how we run energy.
I often love going to Hot Springs, magical healing springs here in North Carolina. It is most peculiar, when I sit in this water I have visions. I was particularly sad when I set off for a soak. It was time for me to move on from Joe’s work and I was lost.
True to the moment the soak was full of wisdom and insight. In that afternoon I was given (I truly feel like the care keeper) of “The Philosopher’s Stone” at least the seed of it. It was many years tweaking it, loving it and incorporating the magic of the 3 selves, producing miracles and moments of healing. People sometimes get unnerved at the depth and ease of finding out why things are occurring the way they are.
I had a wonderful conversation with Creator a while back when I was down, and experiencing some sad times, and He said there are thousands of people on the earth right now that were “pathfinders”. Their job is to carve new pathways into the consciousness of man. That is there job, and many of them are tired, and giving up, because they are experiencing everything through the lens of what am I doing wrong, and I thought I have already healed that. He took me on the most delightful journey experiencing some of my accomplishments and the importance of the work many of us have come to do.
Are you a “pathfinder”.