Healing Unthinkable Trauma
I am writing this, not because of all my successes, but to share the places I fell seeking spaces in this world where I could heal. I found many great opportunities presented themselves by the questions I learned to ask myself. After a long haul, upping the ante on my commitment to heal and live has led to profound moments to explore, forgive, heal and touch God.
I am a 66-year-old woman who has lived a very reclusive life for the last 20 years in the mountains of Western North Carolina. This part of my journey has been filled with magic, ceremony, blessings beyond words, profound friendships, and a deep communion with the plant kingdom. My search has been to find doorways to my deepest belief that the human body is a healing machine, capable of healing anything and that its natural state is one of homeostasis, and that was its job. Philosophically I believed miracles are to be expected and that all disease is just consciousness. What an amazing and intense journey this has been.
My life has given me many opportunities to discover what opens and closes the doors of my heart. I wouldn’t trade my life for anyone’s, and yet I would not wish my journey on anyone either. Moments of glory were the result of intense and sometimes frightening episodes, emotionally and physically, and yet I remain vertical (most of the time) with a good quality of life.
Thirty-five years ago I went into therapy and realized I had a 16 year memory loss. It is funny, looking back I never thought about my childhood. My memories or thoughts always began from the time we moved to England in 1967.
I remember myself as a wild child, bold, adventurous, promiscuous, and seemingly fearless. My relationships were very short lived, shallow, unfulfilling and sexually oriented. Not much depth. I decided to find out how to fix that so I could meet my soul mate and live happily ever after.
Getting my memory back shattered all my known realities, and it took me almost 25 years to process just 5 memories out of 16 missing years. A classic journey thru PTSD, and finding the allopathic system and approach not very effective. My sister was diagnosed with catastrophic PTSD and she only remembers a few things. That feels like a good description for me. The doctors that worked with me at the beginning of my journey said I should count my blessings I was not multiple personality, dead or in jail, they said I would never recover or trust again. My family of origin were badly broken as human beings and my childhood is full of rape, incest, murder and torture.
So here is what I was faced with, how to regain my memory, and free up my energy to create a kinder and gentler life.
The shrink that worked with me gave me this example. If I were given let’s say 100 units of mental energy a day to create my life, what percentage of that energy was I using to repress my childhood. Instantly I felt about 80%. The docs also gave me no hope of recovery. They drugged me up and I wrestled with being suicidal for years and experienced frequent dramatic flashbacks. I was also wrongly diagnosed with temporal lobe epilepsy from beatings as a child. I found being so highly medicated it undermined what little self-confidence I had. I felt defeated and without much hope.
The most important next steps were to find an environment that supported my healing. At the time I was selling high end real estate. I would get a memory back and literally be unable to move for days. I would have flashbacks and find myself in some interesting situations. I did not understand at that time when you regain or retrieve those memories you relive them with the same capacity you had when the trauma occurred. And I certainly had not learned the art of releasing these memories. In the beginning it was terrifying, and each memory that surfaced took about 5 years to process. It was difficult for me to be a good friend during these times and relationships went out the window. I stayed in this healing model for 2 years.
This form of treatment offended my soul. It did not make any sense to me on how this approach could ever help me heal. I believe I chose my family and my journey and I also believe I came here to heal this. I basically decided they were messing with my soul and embarked on the adventure of finding tools that worked and to begin to rewrite my personal history. I was committed and determined. I knew with great certainty this was my path.
I moved across country and met an extraordinary group of people that believed you could heal anything, live forever, through a commitment to life and each other. The people I met there still hold a very special love in my heart. My time with them challenged every preconceived belief of what was possible, and approached death and disease as programming that we could change.
Chronic illness is common with people with PTSD (just found this out) and I have struggled over the last 20 years with many physical challenges. At the onset of my serious physical challenges, I made a choice to not go to a doctor, I felt my chances of making it were greater on my own trusting my commitment to live along with my dogged determination to heal myself. Because of a horrendous trauma with a doctor, initially I couldn’t go get help, 20 years later it was one of the most important choices I could have made.
I spent time with several communities during my 9 years in Arizona, each challenging most belief systems I held and fed and uncovered some foundational principles I had to become aware of to heal and find my passion.
I learned ancient ceremonies, cutting edge technologies, and each one peeled away layers of my past. I felt it was imperative to live in environments that fed my deep knowing I could heal. I found lots of things that worked, and failed more times than I can count.
I went to a workshop in Phoenix and while there did an exercise with a partner, saying loving and empowering thoughts as they sat with their eyes closed. A man started cackling, laughing and it triggered rage in me. I knew it was a past memory and yet found it impossible to say loving or empowering things while in that state. I went to the seminar leader and said I couldn’t and he sent me to the other seminar leader to sort me out. He looked me in the eyes and the first thing he said was “are you willing to forgive all the people who raped you?” I started trembling and said YES!
The door to my deepest work opened and led me to the mountains of Western North Carolina where I have been for the past 20 years.
To wrap this entry up I want to share it was so important for me to create an environment where my friends and loved ones would see me on the other side of my issue, healed and victorious, and hold the space for my successful healing. This was no easy task.
I tend to review my journey through the eyes of what worked and what didn’t, and weave in the steps that opened my energy and heart. One of my greatest passions has been putting it all together in this kick butt approach to untangling blocks and freeing up the energy that gets trapped by not knowing how to release trauma. Learning how build trust with knowing I won’t disintegrate if I revisit these old traumas, how to access the magic of my humanness and witness horrific traumas transform in hours and days. This has taken me 35 years to learn how to do. It took 30 years to process 5 incidents. In the last few years I have gotten years of memories back with an understanding of how to hold that space for myself. As these old traumas morph, I have been left with many gifts, renewed courage and a greater capacity to love.
I have found every challenge, no matter how difficult is brought to me by my higher expression bearing great gifts. It took me years to find the power of switching my focus from, what did I do wrong? to what is the teaching?
It is my hope and my prayer by sharing some of my journey it can help even one person facing healing PTSD and unthinkable trauma. Unfortunately, we (as human beings) are not trained on how to deal with our darker feelings. For centuries we have been taught to be positive and to get over it.
I am going to post to my blog, Monday Wednesday and Friday.