I was talking with a friend the other day and she remarked “You are so strong”, and I said I am not, I am committed. I journey with our conversation all day yesterday, and I know my results are proportionate to my commitment. When a commitment is made, life does provide the answers. When things have not worked out it is usually because I am not aligned or it is a timing issue.
I remember a class when Dr. I’Haleakala Hew Len was sharing a story about the consequence of prayer. He said he requested to pray about with and cleaned with a Clinic that dealt with High Blood Pressure. So everyone’s blood pressure healed, and the clinic closed. If prayer involves others, they all have to be on the same page. Interesting scenario.
I have to recommit sometimes many times in a day. I bring myself back to the awareness that I chose this journey, and I can. This is my job and it is an agreement between me and Creator. This is way more empowering than what am I doing wrong? I also have to remind myself, I am learning new pathways to my wellbeing. I am crawling out of being birthed from what I sometimes call the bowels of humanity.
By the time I was 8, I had been molested by over 10 men and women, witnessed a sexual mutilation at 3, witnessed a brutal murder, gang raped on a camping trip and tortured in a basement by my dear Grandmother for 5 years. When I opened the repressed memories it was extremely frightening, paralyzing, and stressful beyond what I knew. It has driven me to know Creator. It has driven me to find a way that was empowering, where I felt I was making a difference for my lineage.
You see early on; I was told what you heal for yourself you heal for your family. I did not love myself enough to do it for me, I always had to find a bigger purpose. I can remember an astrologer who did my chart and she said, Jan you can sit up there on that mountain, heal yourself and help thousands of children. That is what moved my soul. My family hated and shunned me for years. In fact, my sister’s children hate me to this day because the perceive me as having betrayed my father. He was one a cryptologist with the government and a Russian specialist. I will leave it at that for now. My sister never regained her memory, and we began reconnecting after about 28 years. I love her very much and understand this road is not for everyone. It was a wonderful time to visit, connect and laugh again. I said to her, do you think I could visit you and your family and share a meal over the holiday? She replied, you are not welcome in my house, my number one priority is to protect the memory of Dad. That was like getting punched in the gut for a while.
When I am working with others I say this is one of the most important things to discover or uncover. Find your purpose in your journey and what life trying to teach you why would your spirit draw this in, way beyond getting stuck. I have created for myself some fun visualizations that allow me to pull out of the shame or pain long enough to see the gift of a big picture, or what it turns into in the healed state.
YOU MUST EXPLORE WHAT DOES THIS TURN INTO IN THE HEALED STATE. I have found that always carves a pathway out, and gives me the fuel to take that road.
I gather and seek tools and friendships that supports my awareness I am at a place of choice, instead of stuck in the pain. I work at being present to the pain, darkness and horror, welcoming it up. One perspective I play with is any unresolved pain or issue, remains as trapped energy in my body. I run energy when a memory is triggered along certain pathways, and when that repeats over and over my organs overheat and start to get worn out. As I became more and more challenged physically I developed a sense of urgency to explore this concept. So far I am still vertical.
When all this started to come together for me, I was very weak, and this was very recent. I was in so much pain I was waking up crying every night, and finally started preparing to cross that rainbow bridge. I was no longer willing to suffer. Up until then, I had been solidly choosing life. I was terribly sad to be so broken. I knew the magic of our physical body but could not see a way through all this. I was talking to a treasured friend, and I shared I couldn’t do this anymore. She suggested I go deep into prayer, which is how I spend most of my time these days. What I heard shocked me.
I heard that I had not gone full out with nutritional, emotional and spiritual support all at once since I retrieved the memory of the KKK hanging. I was nudged to do go full out for 30 days. Within a week the pain disappeared, and my energy started building. I was so far down the rabbit hole it would be an act of God for me to resurrect. I am now on my 3rd 30-day protocol. I have a new formula I am on, made in my beloved herb kitchen. I am dosing myself at unheard levels. I have never heard of these doses and they are working great. I improve daily. I have a long way to go, and I am so jazzed to have the quality of life I have.
So to wrap things up, it is clear to me the importance of following where the energy opens in my life. Sometimes I get stuck when I am faced with starting over, and reinventing myself at 66. Sometimes it feels like a daunting task, and I cannot do this alone. Every step seems to be fueled by something beyond my humanness. I am not sure how this is going to turn out, and I am so content and happy for every day.
One of the most magical doorways presented to me on this journey, came during one of my annual vision quests.
As I began exploring what opened my energy or gave me fulfillment and an energy gain I loved making medicines, potions and creams. I would go into my herbal kitchen and instantly enter a world of freedom, joy and communion. Time vanished, and I had immense pleasure. The plants would begin to share teachings and with the years, I mostly commune with them through pictures.
Every year after I moved to NC I would do a 3-day vision quest over the Easter weekend. This particular Easter I was finding my way through some dark memories, and set off on my quest. I had a small sweat lodge and would frequently start my quest with a sweat lodge.
While praying I was instructed to go gather 7 flowers and make a flower essence and call it Resurrection.
I believe that was the first time I had ever received such a directive. I was excited and had to learn how to make them. I had worked with Bach Flower Remedies for years so I was a bit familiar with their subtle healing qualities.
I set off to find the flowers. It seemed as if I had just missed the blooming of these flowers. I was not happy; in fact, I was like a spoiled child in that moment. Why would I have had to wait so long to hear Creators’ voice to have to wait another year to begin making this flower essence.
About 2 hours form me are the most wonderful hot springs. It is a place I go to seek new answers. It must have a mineral in the water that I am highly deficient in because when I sit in that water I have visions and I rest so deeply.
I was resting in the wonder of this great planet and her worlds, not getting clear on why I had not found the flowers, but filling up with contentment and trust. I was going to have dinner with a new friend, and decided to go home over the mountains.
I carry a flower essence making kit in my car, and behold, on the way home I found 6 out of the 7 flowers. I was elated! When I arrived for dinner the 7th flower was blooming in her yard. Wow!
Working with the flowers, which are the fullest expression of the plant along with the elements has been the most fun, the most magical, the most inspiring time of my life. It made my history worth every moment. Every scary moment, digging deep to take the next steps was the doorway to fulfillment beyond anything I could imagine. For the next 2 years I did ceremony with the flowers, learned from the flowers, and celebrated the vastness of communing with our world.