Seeking Within

After years of asking why would I choose this family this round, it has grown from "I must be wrong or bad" filled with much shame to "I chose this because I can".
Years of seeking answers that made sense, and understanding the 3 selves, has opened the door to an empowered perspective.
I know I chose this walk, and yet there have been countless times the fear and angst has filled much of my journey, along with how to discharge it. 
Sometimes I hang on to the concept, whatever pain I have experienced, I came to experience the exact opposite in the healed state. For example the many betrayals of family members turns into I am honored and cherished by my loved ones. How much pain I experienced as a child turns into vast joy I came here to experience this time.
I also feel, Creator gave me this job. This job is to stop and transform the violence and brokenness of my family. He gave me this job because I have the capacity to do it. This is what I hang onto in my darkest moments.
How to bridge the darker moments? It's a challenge for me to believe in those moments in faith trust and protection. The memory is the exact opposite. I have to see a bigger perspective or picture to walk through the pain. 
My Spirit is driving this boat and even though a moment might be full of challenges, I know in my bones this journey is not just about reliving memories and trauma. I believe we are here to elevate our human nature, and that can only be done by walking into it, to understand it. I also believe that our "High Self" was once a middle or mental self which was once a subconscious/inner child.
This possibility absolutely rocked my world and has driven me within to find my answers. Wowza, the blueprint to my way out was already recorded in my being. I just had to explore my inner worlds. This is not a linear journey where the answers are obvious, it is becoming the terrain, with  the permission to fail and trust the journey of discovery. It is letting go of judgement. It is the finding of an easier way and it is having the courage to live your truth.
Being able to imagine and picture your outcome or goal, is step one, and this is done in the mental body.
The next step is where I have been weak in understanding. It then is sent to our subconscious or inner child. Our inner child feels it, and feeds it with mana or chi, then sends it to our High Self for manifesting.
We hear our High Self through our Inner Child.
(By relating to my subconscious as my inner child I personalize the relationship and it is way easier to do that with love and open opportunities to make eons of disconnection right again).
For me I know it may take lifetimes to fully make this relationship right again. In the meantime working with my inner child and honoring my heart has certainly opened the doors to releasing trauma, pain and disease, and experiencing a rush of light, balance and hope again. Magic is found in this release along with an ever deepening capacity for compassion and great love.
It has been a bit of a stretch with this tooth thing. I am using all my tools and gaining a bigger picture and kinder perspective of what some of these seemingly difficult times are here to teach me. I am shoring up my foundation with trust, hope and love. I have a long way to go, and I am far richer because of my choices, and taking this road less traveled.
Namaste.